July 5th, 2014
Dear James,
There's a fine line between breathing and dying, a line that I think I've crossed. I was happy, so damn happy. Things between Estelle and I were great and it was oh so lovely. For the fourth of July, I flew out to her home town to see her finally in person.
She freaked out upon finding my true identity.
Her gorgeous blonde hair whipped around in the wind, her grey eyes piercing in to mine. She was so surprised to see me of all people and I felt bad about not telling her beforehand. I just could never find the right time to. At least she knows now.
We spent the entire night last night watching the sky get lit up with extravagant colors and shapes. She was having such a fun time and I felt so bad because I couldn't get into it. All I could think about was "I wonder what Elizabeth is doing right now? If she were here she would be dragging me into the water or doing sparklers with the children. Damn. I miss her a lot. Is she okay? Does she miss me at all? Is this all a mistake?" blah blah blah bullshit and I'm still thinking that way a little bit if I'm being honest.
I was so out of it that even Estelle noticed. It was ridiculous. She ended up pulling me away from the crowd just so we could talk about what was going on. That's when I lost it and told her everything, including Carrie all the way up to my missing Elizabeth. I've never expected to tell this many people about me past and feelings, but I'm so glad that I did. It's never good to bottle up your emotions like I've been doing.
Estelle just listened to me with open ears and arms, allowing everything that I was saying to sink in more and not judge me for it. It just made me love her more. I was so confused and didn't know what to do. She just watched me and comforted me before giving me advice and you want to know what her advice was?
Go find her.
Go find her. Go fucking find Elizabeth. She loved me so much yet still told me to go find someone else. It was the exact same thing that I did to Elizabeth. I have so much empathy for Estelle because at least she has the balls to stick to her words unlike me. The moment that she told me to go find Elizabeth, I kissed her and ran away. I'm so fucked up, but there's nothing I can do about that.
I can't believe how bad I fucked up the situation by choosing the wrong person.
I was dying, not breathing. Now to get her back, the woman who's going to make me serious and committed, I have a lot of proving meself to do. I don't know how I am going to do that, but I will do whatever it takes.
Here I am on a plane to Spain again, missing a show. The lads are covering for me telling everyone that I'm sick just so I could fly all the way out here to Spain to win her back. It's been too long. I haven't talked to her in 11 days. 11 fucking days. That's too long. I've gone without her jokes and words too long. I've missed her caring nature and her telling me that everything will be okay. I miss our laughs at the fun times that we had. I miss her.
I am so proud of Estelle for being able to give me up for what she knows is best for me. I could never do that. I know that I will never stop loving her, but she just isn't the one for me. We will always be friends and I promised to remain in contact with her, promising that I will always love her and that she can tell whoever she wants that we are friends. She didn't care about all that though, proving just how much more perfect she truly is.
I truly wish that she has the best of luck in life.
I will never forget her and the happiness she brings me.
I still have to go through the hard part of winning Elizabeth back, but it's all worth it. Just to think that I would've never gotten the push if it wasn't for Estelle.
Thank you Estelle.
Niall xx
