December 16th, 2017
Dear James,
Wow. This journal is just, such an experience for me to read. How come I never knew about this? How could my dear Niall keep such thoughts hidden from me? I remember doing everything that he mentioned that he would do for me in the last entry, but all he really had to do was show me this, his most private thoughts. It would have won me over way more than that trip all those years ago did.
I never knew that such a bright young lad could have felt so lost. That thought just baffles me. He always seemed so collected for the cameras, ya know? Now it is just so different. The fans have supported them for so long and knew them so well, how could they not tell such signs of sadness?
He'll never be sad again if I can help it.
Niall is my little ray of sunshine, the only thing that keeps me going in the morning. Waking up next to him each and every day is the addiction that I crave, something that I hope he knows. I hope he knows just exactly how lost I am without him by my side. It's baffling really.
I still don't think that it's as baffling as what happened to Estelle though.
I always thought that Niall cut off contact with her, but damn I was sure wrong when I figured out that she's Harry's Estelle. As in the Estelle that he's marrying in a month. At least he's happy and Niall kept his promise to help her remain happy and in contact. He just kept that really hidden from me.
How is he so calm and collected about his past lover marrying another? That thought confuses me like none other. I would be a bit upset or at least feel awkward. Wouldn't she be jealous too, knowing that I'm the woman he gave her up for? Well, I guess not. I see the way that she looks at him. It's the same way that I look at Niall, the hope and adoration written all over her features. I guess I also do notice the way she keeps wishing me well, smiling every time she feels my stomach just as everyone else does. She makes jokes too about me popping, but I don't think I will that soon and if I'm being honest, I'm afraid to actually have my baby.
I know it's Niall's, there's no doubt about that. He's the only one that I would go through with a pregnancy for and I know he's happy that we were actually married before we got pregnant. He's sort of big into religion. I'm afraid to actually go into labor, not because of the pain that I'm supposed to feel(I'll have epidurals for that), but more because I'm afraid as to of what I might say to Niall while in that state. I know that women say a lot of things that they don't mean and Niall's a bit sensitive and he's always thinking that I might leave him still. If only he knew that I would never do that.
I love him more than Bella loved Edward in Breaking Dawn. I love him more than the plants need the sun to grow. I love him more than the ocean needs salt. I love him more than parents beg you to do chores. I love him more than astronauts need helmets to breathe in space. I love him more than a soldier needs to remain hidden at war. I love him so much that no god could comprehend it. They wouldn't understand just how someone so simple like me could love someone so much. It seems inconceivable, but it's not.
We do fight, but normal couples do that. I make him work, something that he's not used to as girls tend to just throw themselves at him. It used to bother me, but now I'm used to it and I have faith that he won't ever leave me again.
Our love is powerful. We've lasted this long. Our friends support us. Liam is dating a lovely girl named Sarah. Louis is exploring the single life a bit. Harry's getting married in a month. Zayn is married. Hell, even Trent and Josie are married and still hang around us with their two kids. We all live near each other and hang out as often as we can. Others may see us as crazy, but I see us as friends that don't want to drift away.
I really hope Niall doesn't mind that I'm writing in here. It was just so tempting to write down my thoughts also on everything we went through and how everything turned out. I feel like James deserved to know since Niall had a lame ass excuse for quitting.
He was also really bad at writing such short entries. Harry beats his by a long shot. Niall's entries were like a page in comparison to the five pages that Harry would write. I guess Niall is just more down to the point unlike Harry who has to explain everything in detail.
He's my Niall though, and I love him. So much. All these memories between us just make me smile and laugh. There's so many things that just make everything we've gone through worth it. Everything is worth it when it comes to Niall.
So, Niall, if you ever read this, I just wanted to let you know that I love you. I love you so much and you should never feel lost again. If you do, just know that I am here for you, right by your side until the very end. You're strong, don't ever forget that.
Elizabeth
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A/N: this is the end, as shitty as it is. I have a little author's note to post after this. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. It's up to you J
Alex xx
