Monochrome beat (boyxboy)✔

Beat 13

Jax's POV

In the short time that Mathew had spent trying to help me, he'd told me that writing things down was supposed to help you release them or deal with them or whatever word he'd used. All I knew was, he'd said it was a good thing. I'd never tried it. It just seemed futile and the more I thought about my anxieties, the more anxious I became.

But here I was on a Sunday night, writing something down on a piece of paper. I was doodling more than writing, but I had at some point written down what I felt.

Fear.

It was just one word, but it held a lot. It was a potent feeling, a new one. I hadn't been happy back home, but I hadn't been scared shitless. At that moment I was scared. Ever since the incident with Digger, I had locked myself in my room – at least mentally and emotionally. I didn't lock the door, knowing that wouldn't really stop Digger if he wanted to get into the room. It would only make my aunt pay more attention to me and that was exactly what Digger didn't want.

I was scared of making him angry.

He'd touched me. Who knew what else he was capable of?

Doodling provided me with an excuse not to show my face at the family lunch or dinner. I told Janice I was writing homework and she let me do it in peace. Digger hadn't said anything to me all weekend. He still had Orlando's i-Pod and I wasn't about to ask for it.

There was a knock on my bedroom door. It made me jump slightly. My heart race increased and became uncomfortable. I shoved my book underneath my pillow and cleared my voice.

"Come in"

All hope that it was Janice came crashing down. I found Janice annoying, but she was better than Digger. She cared too much and was always so happy. She was the good kind of annoying. If she were stable life would have been much better.

"Hi", Digger said as he walked in and closed the door.

I cleared my throat, but my voice still came out crooked. "H-Hi."

"You've been in here the whole weekend. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine", I said quietly.

He walked over to the bed and sat down. I flinched inwards and struggled to remain where I was. He was too close to me. I knew the slightest movement would make him angry and so I tried as hard as I could to not move.

"Here", he placed Orlando's i-Pod on my lap. I felt every instance his fingers touched my thigh. "You did great".

I didn't say anything. I couldn't say anything. I felt like he was touching me even when his hand was no longer on me.

"You passed your second test", he said.

I nodded, hoping a reaction from me would make him go away.

"Not telling Janice about Nina was probably not a big deal. Not telling her about...You like it don't you? You liked me touching you?"

I stood up quickly. "I uh...I'm feeling cold".

He gave me closed-lip smile, almost sadistic. It was so filthy I wanted to wash it off him. He stood up and walked towards the door.

"I liked it too", he said before he walked out and closed the door.

I took a deep breath. I could feel myself shaking. I couldn't even bring myself to hold my phone properly. I dialed a number, but tossed the phone on the bed before I could press 'call'.

Mathew was out of my life! Why couldn't I accept that? He wasn't even old enough to be my dad. Why did I want to burden him with problems that had nothing to do with him? He had enough stress of his own. He was organizing a wedding. He was getting married to the love of his life. He needed to be happy. Calling him would only bring a halt to his wedding preparations. Like the saint that he wanted to be he'd not only want to comfort me but actually do something to get me out of there.