Honest Diaries

Chapter 17

Dear diary,

the first semester was over and I had plenty of free time on my hands.

Andrew bailed on school, I was about to do the same. We wanted to try our luck with med school again, so preparing for the entrance exams is going to be our full-time job now.

We haven't met since the dance. He hasn't texted. I felt like I messed up badly.

I was replaying the moments of the dance in my head. Every day. Multiple times. I was a mess.

How come it hurts so much? Loving someone and not being loved back? How can it be so hard to get them out of your head? It should be simple: I love you, you do not love me. There. Done. Bye. Moving on. 

But it's not.

And he's so confusing as well! One time he's nice, romantic even. Then moments later he acts like we're not even friends, acquaintances maybe.

My mom asked me when are Andrew and I going to start dating. She said she saw how he was looking at me at the dance. And she wasn't the only one to wonder about that.

I wanted to scream to the whole wide world: NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN! He's leading me on. He doesn't know what he wants. He's hot and cold. And I am fed up! Done! Enough!

Andrew called me out of the blue asking me out for lunch. I refused, making up an excuse.

Andrew called me again a few days later, repeating his offer. I refused again.

I was done. There was only so much pain I could take in with one boy. 

He doesn't deserve my attention. He doesn't deserve me.

But I miss him. I keep checking my phone, checking when was the last time he was online, checking if he hasn't texted. Of course he hasn't. He never did, unless he wanted something. He was never interested.

I was being an idiot.

An idiot in love with the wrong guy.

A friendzoned girl.

I kept wondering: How long is this pain going to last? For how long can I torture myself before I can no longer take it? Am I going to get used to the pain? Or is it going to fade away eventually? Is this love for Andrew going to mess up all my future relationships?

Because I kept wondering: I know our relationship wouldn't work. Ever. But I wanted to at least try. Maybe if I tried and failed, I would be able to say 'I did everything I could, this is just not working out.' Out of experience, not just imagination. I would be able to move on. Find someone worthy. Find someone better. Find someone who I could love equally and they'll love me back.

My love for Andrew sabotaged my latest relationship. I couldn't fully love the guy because I was still aware of my love for Andrew. I couldn't move on, because he was still in the back of my head.

What if...

No. If NOTHING. Never going to happen. I should stop dreaming about it. Stop thinking about it. I should just forget it.

Forget him.

I should stop knowingly torturing myself.

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And if you'd like, you can check out my other story titled 'Alaska'!