Honest Diaries

Chapter 18

Dear diary, dear reader!

I've started writing down my troubles with the certain someone with one goal: to help myself cope with the feelings I've been having. I wanted to write my troubles down to look at them from a distant point of view, maybe get another people's opinions on the matter as well. I wanted to work my situation out. To figure him out.

Andrew.

He was the reason I began openly writing about my feelings and life events.

I've loved this boy for 4 years. We've had our ups and downs. We grew up together to some extent. But he surely doesn't know about my feelings. It was always one sided. It was always painful. The only good thing about it all is that his behavior these past days made me realize that it's not worth it at all. To be ignored. To not be worth a single text, a single phone call. I certainly don't mean enough to him. He doesn't care. And I cared too much, it wasn't healthy. I'd do anything for that boy. But as long as he doesn't feel equally, it's not worth my try. I've been absolutely open with him (well, apart from my true feelings), but he didn't do the same for me. I gave him more of myself than he was willing to give back. All he ever did was take.

So I got to my goal just about now. I wrote about all my troubles, all the thoughts that were weighing me down. In the meantime, me and Andrew grew apart. We didn't keep in touch. It wasn't for any particular reason, it just happened. After all those years, our lives probably haven't collided enough for us to be anything meaningful. Only acquaintances. Former classmates. That's it. We shared some nice memories, some not as nice, but that's it.

I've decided that it's not worth my time, my effort, my energy. I won't keep trying for something that isn't meant to be.

I won't be that girl.

I want to be different. I want to be strong. I want to be myself.

I want to live for myself.

So that's what I am about to do.

Grow stronger. Independent. Find myself, the way I am, without anyone.

Andrew was the reason I started keeping this diary. I've met some wonderful people thanks to this. I got some amazing opinions and advice. It helped me understand.

This project achieved what it was supposed to. That chapter of my life is over, and I am looking forward to the next ones.

So either take this as a goodbye, or continue on with me. On my way to finding myself.

Mind stability. Character development. Moving on.

This is what I'll try to reach for next.

I'll try to pour my heart out as much as possible. And maybe also keep you updated on Andrew once in a while. Who knows. Let's get on this journey together.

I hope that my story helped some of you, one way or another. To serve as a warning. To serve as a relatable life story of another friend zoned girl. To maybe help you realize what I realized.

That it's not worth the fight as long as the other person doesn't put in any effort. We are strong, we should do what's best for us. We shouldn't be martyrs of love. Love isn't easy and simple, but most of all it's not about torture. It's not about constantly getting hurt. It's not about being picked up higher and higher with each nice moment but then being thrown back down even harder when the reality hits you. Love is about being loved. It's about mutual understanding, mutual trust, mutual interest. It's about the two of you, equally.

So, please, think about it. Think about yourself. Be a little healthily selfish as well.

Be. Happy.

Will you continue on with me? I sure hope so. Let's grow better together.

Until next time!

With love,

Natalie