If These Sheets Were States

8. I Wish we Could Start all Over

Bella walked into her house and dropped everything to the floor, collapsing on her bed, face down. What had even just happened? She'd met her favourite band, she'd met her favourite celebrity - in fact she was sure she had just given her heart to him completely, if she hadn't done before. She felt like a selfish, little brat. Why on earth was she doing these things to herself? The look in Alex's eyes when he had stared at her just killed her. It's like he could feel everything she was going through, and he completely understood her. But he just didn't say a word. All he did was ask for her to stop. But he looked back. He looked back at her.

Bella grunted into the duvet cover and slammed her fists down, cursing and calling herself names as she thought of how selfish she felt. How selfish she knew she was.

"It's not even helping me. It's making me want to cut even more. I don't get it. Why is this happening to me? How does all this fucking shit even work out? How can I feel so selfish but at the same time, be getting the worst urges to cut, ever?!" Bella questioned herself.

She got up from the bed and walked over to her desk, the razor just.. there. Waiting. Bella picked it up and played with it, as though it were a toy. A look spread across her face. She needed to. She didn't know why but the urges were beginning to take her over, and she just couldn't handle it anymore. Bella was falling so deep into this abyss, again. It felt like no matter what she did, she just couldn't bring herself out of it.

Walking towards her full-length mirror, she stood there, expression somber. Holding the razor tightly in her hand, she pulled her sleeve up to reveal an arm full of nothing but deep scars, little scars, fat scars, fresh cuts and healing cuts. She held the razor between her thumb and her finger and brought it to her arm, the back of her elbow. Bella began to dig it in, feeling the push, knowing if she pushed any harder then it would break skin. But something was wrong, she just couldn't bring herself to do it.

Why?

Bella shrugged it off and put it down to nerves from the excitement of the day she had just had. She looked down at her arm, her hand still attached with the razor.

A spur of the moment occurred, and Bella dropped the razor. Something she had never been able to do before. She started to lose it, punching any wall that got in her way, kicking anything that became an obstacle. Standing in the middle of her bedroom, she screamed. Screamed so loud as though she would never scream again. Her knuckles throbbing, she knelt down and picked up the album she had received from the 'Meet and Greet', turning it in her hands as she looked out the window. Her memory coming back to her that Alex had been writing for quite a while when she had handed him items to sign. Opening the album, a note fell out onto the floor but Bella disregarded it and took out the actual CD, putting it into her stereo and blasting it as loud as she could. Realising that the album cover was actually still in the case, she looked down at the note and picked it up.

Bella sat on the edge of her bed and unfolded the note.