Maria Hill and Melinda May One Shots

Keep Them Away From Each Other Or We're All Dead

Maria Hill. Clint Barton. Melinda May. Natasha Romanoff. Phil Coulson.

One of them was evil, two of them were terrifying, three of them were trouble, four of them were hilarious, five of them were unstoppable. 

They were the bane of Fury's existence. They caught everyone with their pranks. If one of them got insulted, they would retaliate with something different each time. 

And then Melinda left the field, Maria became Deputy Director, Clint and Natasha joined the Avengers and Phil stayed where he was.

The band of friends stopped pranking, stopped going out for drinks every Friday night or whenever else they were feeling down, stopped working together so well. 

But they still wistfully remembered the good old days when Melinda and Clint landed them in Fury's office ten days in a row, when Coulson, Maria and Clint dyed everyone's uniforms red and blue and white for the fourth of July, when Maria punched Fury in the face in front of everyone and got away with it, when Natasha shot a superior officer in the shoulder and told Fury to go to hell, when Clint and Natasha rigged smoke bombs to go off in the mess hall and then threw food at people, starting the biggest food fight in the entire existence of SHIELD. 

Sadly, they never remade their group. Fury thanked his lucky stars, Medical prayed it would last and the rest of SHIELD, well, they were just glad it was over. 

For now.

Someone had painted a red and blue streak across every single white wall in SHIELD Headquarters. Fury had only suspicions. 

Melinda and Clint knew who had done it and teamed up to beat him. They glued chicken feathers to every eagle sign they could find, writing "caw, caw, caw. Beat that, suckers."

Maria and Natasha laughed when they saw it and the next night they hot glue gunned every single stationary item to the ceiling and raised a flag with Hydra's symbol on it, just for laughs.

That was when Fury guessed it.

They were sitting in his office, staring at the floor. 

"Absolutely inappropriate. If I catch any of five doing any of this sort of thing again there will be trouble," he warned. "Now get out of my office."

On Thursday, Fury woke up with a bright pink beard. His office had been decorated in glitter and purple banners with the words THE TEAM HAS REFORMED written in bold. Fury groaned as he opened the second drawer in his desk and was squirted with ketchup.

Wiping it from his face, he walked outside, noting all the banners that had been put up. 

He found them sitting in the gym in a circle by the benches, underneath the largest banner.

"One hundred. One hundred goddamn banners," he said. "You have explaining to do, now."

"We've reformed. I thought that much was clear," Natasha said.

"Maria, how could you do this?" Fury asked, trying to get her on side at least. "And you as well, Phil."

"We're a team, Nick, and teams stick together," Coulson answered.

"Yes, two at the Avengers Tower, one here and two on the Bus. Definitely sticking together, aren't you?" he said.

"Don't be rude, Nick," Maria said.

"Don't do this," Fury pleaded.

"Sorry, Nick, duty calls," Maria grinned.

The next day, every single SHIELD agent turned on their computer to see the blue screen of death.

There were more than a couple screams.

"Oops," Natasha grinned.