The Philosophy of You

Chapter 12

I sat there, in Fatima's office. I was tapping my knee with my fingers due to how nervous I was. I had initially planned to explain to Fatima about the way I felt but being here now, made me realize that I simply don't have it in me. Fatima had just closed the door and was now sitting across from her. 

She smiled at me, "So, how are we doing today?"

"Well, I'm doing good, actually. How are you?" 

"I'm fine thank you." She wrote the date on her notepad, it was November 19th, "And how was your weekend?"

I tried to recall what I had done during the weekend, "It was good. We went to Niagara Falls so that was really fun. We typically go for mini road trips so this was nothing new." 

What I didn't tell her was that I was diligently looking for the building Shaw had told me about or how I enjoyed the free breadsticks, all of which were things that might give away certain things that were to be kept a secret

"And how's school?"

That was the question I was hoping to avoid. Needless to say, I was going to have answer the question regardless. I realized that I simply wasn't ready to tell her, "good actually. I have my school newspaper which was just published today. My classes are cool too, all of them are easy. I've actually just become a teacher assistant for an after school English class." 

She seemed to have begun more interested on the topic because she began to enquire some more, "An after school English class, huh? Now, how did that happen?"

Of course, I'd have to tell her about Shaw but would simply ignore the whole feelings aspect of it, "I know the teacher who teaches that class, he's our supervisor for the Tribune so one day one of our editing meetings was on the same day as the class, and so from there I just got a sense of wanting to help teach so I asked him if I could be the assistant and he said yes. The first official class where I start is tomorrow."

She wrote a few things down and looked up at me, she was thinking. I wondered if I said too much or not enough, but that really was the gist of it. One thing is for sure, what she was about to say was something I'd never have expected, "Ava, do you like him?"

I froze. No,no,no, this couldn't be happening. How could she tell?  She must be judging me, I mean who wouldn't. What should I say, wait, should I deny it. Come on, Ava, think. Goddammit, think!

A thousand thoughts raced through my mind, trying to come up with what to say, but I couldn't think of anything, "How do you know?"

Fatima smiled, as if she was thinking back to something, "Your eyes."

"What?" 

"The moment you started talking about him, you eyes lit up in a way that I had never seen in you before. That and the fact that you started smiling uncontrollably."

I furrowed my brow, it didn't make any sense. Better yet, I didn't want it to make sense. "I don't know what to say."

"Ava, it's okay. It's something that everyone experiences and is completely natural. No one has control over who they fall for, so I understand why you were so hesitant. What's his name?"

"Daniel Shaw." That was probably the first time I had ever said his full name, it definitely sounded different. 

"Do you want to talk about it."

The second she said that, a wave of relief rushed over me. "Yes, please."

"Okay, so tell me everything, right from the beginning."

For the next 15 minutes, I would go on to tell her every detail I could possibly remember. All the while, she never made it seem like it was weird or peculiar that I would fall for someone like him. I told her about the editing meetings, the COY class, and the little moments in between. I explained to her that I'd often catch him looking at me before I made eye contact with him and how he always seemed too caring, if that was even possible. She wrote things down as I said all this.

"Have you told anyone else?"

I stopped fiddling with the zipper of my jacket, which I had unknowingly been doing, "No, I haven't."

"And, how does that make you feel? Do you want your friends to know."

"I do. I'm worried that they might think I'm distancing myself from them, or that I found a new crowd which certainly can't be the case. I'm just afraid [...]" I paused, trying to put in words my fear, "I'm afraid that when they hear what I have to say, they'll turn away."

"So, you're afraid that they'll judge you, resulting in them leaving you. Why's that?"

We were now getting to uncharted territory, I really hadn't thought of why I felt that way, I simply knew that I did. "I guess, it's because it took me forever to find good friends like them, and I really don't want to mess it up, because I don't think I'll ever be able people like them, you know. Like even though, we're all different, we just get along really well and I couldn't imagine my life without them."

Fatima wrote down a summary of what I had said, the pen against paper being the only thing that you could hear in that room, "So, why do you think you were drawn to Daniel?"

Was I supposed to address him by his first name too? I wasn't sure but I went along with it, "I guess Daniel was someone who had similar interests. He likes books and when I made a reference to Alice in Wonderland, he got it, which was great."

"Do you think it's because you shows you more attention than other students, because I noticed that you said 'he cares too much', so have you given that any thought?"

Truth was, I hadn't. I didn't even realize it until Fatima had said it, "I don't think its overall attention per se. I don't even think it's that but I get what you're saying. I guess [...] I've had these walls put up for so long that having someone who is kind of actively trying to break those down, is a new experience. It kind of shows that maybe, just maybe, I'm worth caring about too."

"And your friends haven't broke down these walls?"

"They did? But in other ways, I don't know. I guess  going through the experience of becoming friends has its own walls to break down, like naturally you're inclined to let your walls down when you become comfortable with someone. But with Shaw, or Daniel-" I paused, letting out a sigh, I was so conflicted with what I felt, "with Daniel, it's different. For someone like him, who doesn't need to do all the things he does, he's really going out of his way, you know. Most people only make sure you're alright because they think they have to, in order not to look like a complete jerk, but Daniel [...] he'll go out of his way for me because he wants to and I think that speaks louder than anything."

Fatima placed her notepad on the table and sat back in her chair, "You know, I've been in your position, which is kind of crazy because the more I get to know about you, the more I see myself in you. In university, I fell for this professor. He was exactly how you described Daniel, we had very similar interests and he was very kind to me and just downright cold to everyone else. I was head over heels for him, like I was always planning our wedding in my head. I used to spend my time in his office conversing about different things. It's been seven years now, and we've still remained in touch. So, just know, that these feelings are real, and chances are, they're not going anywhere. So you should embrace it. I know you want to pretend they're not there, but that will only hurt you in the end. He seems nice and as long as you're happy, that's what matters. That and the fact that you're still you." She smiled warmly at me.

"Gee, that's really great that you keep in touch with him. It's also kind of funny that I'm like a mini you."

We wrapped the session by setting a new appointment that was to be in two weeks. I said goodbye and left. That night, I couldn't stop thinking about what she said. I should embrace it but what does that mean? I suppose accepting it would be a start. Regardless of the way I felt for Shaw, I was grateful that in a world of 7.8 billion people, I had the chance of meeting him. 

That's what I would tell myself for years to come, that meeting him wasn't coincidence, surely it couldn't have been, but I would always be looking for a way back to him.