connor's still here - dear evan hansen

🌿one🌿

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"hey, im sorry about my brother, i saw him push you. evan right?" she said. her green and brown hazel eyes looked at me with slight concern. zoe murphey; the younger sister of connor murphey, the girl who's in the jazz band, a bubbly happy girl, the girl of my dreams if i say so myself, the most beautiful girl inside and out... im getting carried away, sorry.

"evan..." i responded, not looking into her eyes because if i look in them, i get nervous and when i get nervous, my hands get weird and sweaty and gross and- im getting carried away again, sorry.

"that's your name right-"
"YES, yes it is-sorry." i say quickly, trying to cover up my mistake.
"why are you sorry-"
"because you said evan and then i said it and i repeated it which is- that is so annoying when people do that..." i spit out. again, just me trying to fix things, but just making it worse. i probably look like a fool to her, oh god.

"im zoe." she puts her hand out to shake it. i go to immediately shake it, but then remember to wipe it because i have sweaty hands and no one likes sweaty hands, she slowly puts her hand down.

"yeah, i know." i say quickly.
"you know?" CRAP FIX IT.
"i mean- no no no i uhh- you play guitar in jazz band- i LOVE jazz band well not all of jazz band just jazz band jazz- that's so weird, im sorry." i mumbled so fast and weirdly, she probably had no idea what i just said, oh god.
"you apologise a lot." she points out, chuckling.
"im sorry- i mean, uhh sorry..." i mumbled quietly as i put my hand down and twiddle my fingers.

"well i got to get to-
"hey wait do you wanna sign my cast-" CRAP FIX IT AGAIN.
"what-"
"uhh what did you say?"
"i diddnt say anything, you said something" AGHH
"no i- me- i- uhh- no way... jose..." GREAT JOB YOU BLEW IT.
"hah, okay... jose." she says as she turns around and walks away with a small grin on her face.
EVAN WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT. agh shit...

~

i wrote my note. you know, my daily 'dear evan hansen, today's going to be a good day, and here's why...' . mom and my therapist said it would be best to write because "it can help", which i disagree because it does nothing, and todays wasn't positive. it said how i wanted to be apart of something, how i wanted to be more happy and talkative, and how i wanted to be closer with zoe. i finished and sent it to the printer, waiting for it to print the dreaded piece of literature that can somehow "help me", as they say. im thrown out of my thoughts when a voice breaks the silence.

"so, uhh, what happened to your arm?" connor murphey, zoe's older brother, the taller and lankyest person with long wavy hair and an attitude and voice that just threatens you, and lets just say he's not the sharpest tool in the shed...

"oh i- umm, i fell out of a tree, actually." i mumble sheepishly. he chuckles coldly.
"well that is just the saddest fucking thing i've ever heard-" he responds with a slight bit of sarcasm.
"oh my god, i know..." silence.

"uhh, no ones sighed your cast." he points out and I look down. he's right, it's blank, empty, and sad.
"oh, i know" i respond sadly. i dont have friends to sign it, so i was just going to leave it blank.
"well ill sign it" he says shrugging.
"oh you don't have to..." if he's doing it for my pity then that's not any good for my self esteem...

"you have a sharpie?" he asks. i turn and grab a black sharpie from my bag. I whimper a bit when he yanks on my arm. he takes the sharpie and moves it in big, long strokes. he moves away, and i see CONNOR written across the whole front of the cast.
"oh. great. thanks..." i respond in a monotone voice as i look at my signed cast.
"well yeah. now we can both pretend we have friends." i look up and nod my head.

I start to walk away when he takes out a piece of paper and holds it out. "is this yours? it was uhh, in the printer. it says 'dear evan hansen'- that's your name-" i quickly realize that i left my 'note to self' letter back on the printer. i desperately try to snatch it out of his grasp before he reads the rest of it. if he reads it, he could see what i said and see zoe's name, i don't know how he'd react.

"oh um no no no no thats- that's just a stupid paper that I had to write. can you please give it back-" the last part i said sheepishly but quickly, stepping toward and trying to grab the letter.

"because there's zoe..." SHIT.
"uhh..." i go speechless, not knowing how to explain without sounding creepy and stalkerish but not making myself sound like an idiotic loser.
"this is about my sister. you wrote this because you knew I would find this-" he says quickly, his voice getting louder with anger and frustration dripping off his tongue.

"what-"
"yeah, you saw that i was the only other person in the computer lab so you wrote this and printed it just so i could find it!" he yells, he starts to pace around a bit, getting riled up.
"what, why would i-"
"so i could read some creepy shit about my sister and freak out, right?! and your gonna tell everybody that I'm crazy!-" oh no oh no oh no...
"what no!-"
"right?!" he yells as he starts to briskly walk out of the computer lab.

"no no no really- i really need that back-no please- can you not- can you please give it back!!" i yell back, trying to catch up with him to grab the paper. if he keeps it, he could read the rest and see what I was saying and freak out even more! he quickened his pace, snatching the doorknob and swinging the door open, walking out briskly, leaving the door slam and me panicked and unable to think.

oh god, what have i got myself into.

HELLO so I'm hana and this is my first real story! I thought about giving writing a try because everyone says I'm an okay writer and I made other fanfics before, but then I just deleted them out of sadness before I could post them whoops.
if I made any mistakes or you wanna say something, I will respond and/or fix it!
ps I like plants and trees and stuff so the pics are mine and I thought it would so along maybe?... idk
okay it 11 and I made this in an hour so I'm sorry if its super shitty but I'm so tired and I have testing coming up so rip me...
byeeeee xox