LOST

7. SAPNA

~ Sapna ~

She looked down at the dead body of her mother who no more resembled her beauty. She was burnt on all the bright places.

Her eyes that were closed, were a mix of red and black and loose skin.

Those were the eyes that shone with happiness every time they saw her, and brimmed with tears when she was out of sight.

Her lips, that were always turned up, now slept forming a straight flat line.

Those were the same lips that had kissed her a thousand times, evidently loving her with all she had.

Her hands, her long frail hands, were lifeless now.

She had picked her up with those hands, swung her around, caressed her, sung her to sleep, stoked her cheeks, wiped her tears, and braided her hair. But now they won't.

She was dead.

Her mother was burnt to death.

Now that she felt it all, she screamed. It shook everything around her.

All the pain, the suffering, the loss churned in the air around her as her painfully loud screams echoed everywhere.

She kept on screaming till she had nothing left inside her.

Hollow.

She felt hollow.

Lifeless. Empty. Hopeless.

Her soundless sobs and the heartache made it impossible for her to breathe. She clutched herself, clinging on to herself.

Since she had nobody else to lean on to.

A man stood at a distance from her.

The same man who told her mother a million times how much he loved her.

The same man who now refused to even stand by her.

Her father stepped back, turned around and left.

Just like that.

She began wailing, unable to withhold the grief.

Shouting. And crying.

That was all she did.

That was all she could do.

After everything that happened. After everything that flipped her world around, one thing stayed the same.

She was still a little 11 year old girl.

"Sapna! Wake up!" Ma was shaking me to wake, wiping the tears off my cheeks. Daddy stood by her, looking down at me with sad and worried eyes. I hugged Ma, sobbing uncontrollably.

"I love you, Ma. I love you. Don't ever leave me. Please," I did not let her go.

"Shh, I'm right here. I always will be." She caressed my back and rocked me in her arms. I clutched to her tighter, afraid that if I let go, the time would go back and I would see things I did not wish on seeing ever again.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything, Ma. Don't hate me. Please, Ma, I am so sorry." The tears poured down wildly, taking with them all the suffering.

"Sapna, everything is fine. You are okay, alright? Look at me," she held my face, and made me meet her eyes. "They're just dreams. Don't let them get to you. You're stronger than that. I'm here with you. Breathe."

And I did. I took deep breaths and attempted to relax.

The nightmares started precisely five and a half months ago. At first I took them lightly and did not tell anyone about them.

Nevertheless, one night, the same scenes of the girl caught in flames kept on repeating over and over again and I began screaming, causing Daddy, Ma and Nanu to wake up and rush to my bedroom, trying to stir me up.

I was traumatized.

The images just did not go away. I did not talk to anyone for two days. When I finally spoke, Ma slapped me. Right on my face.

And I couldn't imagine life going more erroneous.

Ma and Daddy fought for another two days while Nanu stayed with me, listening to me describing the sights, controlling my anger as I scratched my forearms constantly, soothing me when I cried, understanding my fears and holding me tight when I was all but falling apart.

I believed I was going crazy.

I believed Ma hated me.

I believed Daddy was ashamed of me.

I believed Nanu pitied me.

A week passed.

I went without appropriate sleep for a week. Only occasional naps with Nanu by my side all the time.

Then Daddy took me to a therapist. At first, Ma denied to join us. But as soon as we took the elevator, Ma rushed down the stairs.

The therapist Mrs. Tiwari was a petite woman, with a wrinkled face and long grey hair that she left loose. She had the softest voice I had ever heard and probably the kindest pair of eyes I had ever seen. The only thing I did not like about her was her work ethics.

When I first met her, she asked me to describe the nightmares. I complied.

Then she talked to my parents, in private.

She called me in once she was done and told me we had to go through a few sessions and she would keep noting my progress. I asked her what was wrong with me but she said that my parents had asked to keep things confidential and it was against her work ethics to disclose any such information.

So till date, I did not know what was wrong with me.

She had assigned me the fourth Friday of the month. I had had four sessions with Mrs. Tiwari so far and according to me, I hadn't made even an ounce of progress.

I did not know where I stood in Mrs. Tiwari's judgments, because she never told me.

I was due the third day after tomorrow for my fifth session.

Nanu asked me to describe her everything I saw accurately. And I wrote down all I could remember.

Since every time I woke up from a nightmare, all the images went blur.