LOST

45. SAPNA

~ Sapna ~

When I was thirteen, I lost myself in love. I fell for a beautiful boy with dark brown eyes and a contagious smile. He was a miracle.

Around the same time, I lost my way into practices that made me stubborn, overenthusiastic and stupid. I didn't know the costs. I just went with the flow.

Which was why, I lost my mother. She was a queen. A lady I respect and love with all my heart.

Along with her, I took away my love's mother too. He was well aware of the price he was paying by protecting me. He did it anyway.

I was the reason my father lost his wife and his wonderful home.

As if all that wasn't enough, I lost my memory. Now, I cannot describe what that was like, since I don't know.

Adopted by a kind family, I was taken to a different city and I grew up believing I was related to them, that I was a part of their family. I lost the right to know the truth.

I remember lying to them, my parents. Sometimes, I did it because I didn't see another choice, while the rest of the times, a lie spilled out as a second nature. I lost their trust, somehow.

Nightmares entered then, and I lost myself into the unknown world of my nights. It was terrifying at first. But with time, the visions intrigued me.

Coming back to where I started, I was smacked in the face with my past and the flurry of memories that fought to return. I lost track of where my life was heading.

Yes, I did find things in the process. I found my Love (back), I found my father. I found acceptance from everyone in regards to what I desired. I found happiness in living the life I was born to live. I found hope.

Good things don't last long though, do they?

I lost my father. The only blood related person I didn't know existed for a while and stopped.

I lost my identity. Who was I without them all?

Everything that I found was snatched away from me. And once again, in the war I waged against me, I lost.

But.

Here is what actually happened.

Losing.

The moment I realized I was pondering on one side of the coin, I flipped it. And that's when losing proved out to be valuable for me. It proved out to be self-defining.

Now that I didn't have anything else left to lose, I felt invincible.

I felt free. Alive.

And the energy buzzing through me was immense.

I wanted to use that energy. I wanted to make something of myself.

I thought of what I wanted and what I needed to do in order to get it.

I wanted to start over. I wanted freedom, independence. A life on my own.

In order to get that, I needed to leave.

The difficult part was to build up the strength. To leave without him.

However, I did it.

And here I am. In Goa.

Getting out of Valsad was easy. Deciding where I wanted to head next was tricky. Formerly I planned on heading south for I believed I could put my talent to use there. I wanted different though. Something occurred to me and I just got down at a station nearby. I travelled for a week before ending up here. I found a place to live, according to the money I had in order to get the rent paid. I'm still looking for a job to work at. Besides that, I haven't done anything much except wandering around and admiring the beaches.

It's a chilly night, but I'm glad I found the company of a local band. They've lit up a bonfire and one of them has a good guitar and a good voice. It is a sorrowful song; something about missing home.

Home. I shudder at the lyrics.

I don't know where I am going to go from here. But one thing I'm sure of is this: I am not losing anything.

Being here, being myself. These are the choices I made. And when I am ready to take the responsibility of my actions, what can stop me?