The Broken

Four: Secrets of the past

"How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it has burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away."
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"WHERE IS SHE? WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?!" he yelled while running through the hospital doors.

"DONOVAN, I'M ASKING ABOUT PAMELA DONOVAN!" he called out to the receptionist at the emergency.

"Miss Donovan is in surgery now, please take a seat mister" the receptionist replied.

"I can't fucking take a seat!" he said, pacing the floor.

"I understand what you're feeling Mister, but there's nothing else you could do at this moment."

"No you don't understand! How could you be so fucking indifferent and people die around you all the time!" He snapped. He just wanted the walls to fall down. He wished for the ground to open up and swallow him out of his misery.

The lady took a last glance at him.

"The doctor should be out in a couple of hours." She said carelessly and went back to her paperwork.

He grinned sarcastically shaking his head, "a couple of hours huh".

Rubbing his hands tightly, he kept going from one side of the waiting room to the other.

He felt the weight of the world hitting him at the speed of light, crushing his minuscule existence. What's even an existence if his only source of life was threatened?
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There was a lot of things that Jason didn't forgive himself for, and letting them get to Pamela was the pinacle of it.

"Do you think I'm fucking crazy!?" He threw the glass of water across the room and turned to face Matt.

"Hey, hey! You are not crazy. You just- you just need all the help you can get right now. It's been a year now that you're trying to recover from your mother's death, and now this. You tried to commit suicide Jason. God knows what you're going to do next." Matt tried so hard to keep a low tone.

"I AM NOT GOING TO SEE A PSYCHOLOGIST! This is a done discussion. I don't need help. I don't even want help. Yes I tried to commit suicide, but I'm still here."

"Yes Jason, you are still here. But for how long will you be living on this 'drug'? You are holding on to something that doesn't exist anymore. I'm sorry you have to hear it from me, but you have to stop destroying your life and let me help you. You've been through way worse man. I don't want to bring back some bad memories, but point is you can overcome anything."

Matt was starting to lose his temper. He tried literally everything to free him from this life prison he built for himself. It's like he wasn't living in this world anymore; he created a fictional world that is based on real memories to which he can escape every time things got rough. These memories were everything he had left.

"No i can't. And this is why she left. Because i was a mess of an alcoholic gambler. And why is that? Because i never forgave myself for my mother's death. I remember the moment of the car crash like it was just yesterday, despite a year passing. And i still can't get over it. The only person who gave me hope of a better future was her, Pamela. And now she's gone. I drove her away just like i ruin everything good in my life."

Ever since he got out of the hospital Matt didn't leave his side. He was watching over him like a new born child; terrified that if he leaves, he'll come back to no one in the house. And every time he tried to shake some sense out of his friend, nothing seemed to get through to him. But these words he was hearing now were all new to his ears. Never before his friend opened up again about that painful night a year ago.

"This is all I have left Matt. Call me crazy, call me delusional, call me obsessed for all i care. I don't give a shit. I'm fine. I don't need help. And whether you believe it or not, I'm alive now because of her. So I refuse to shut her out."

Matt was shaking his head as he listened to his best friend. Maybe it really is too late, he thought.

Jason was breathing heavily, anger shooting through his body. He didn't want to talk anymore. He stood up from his bed and walked to the window. His body was still a bit weak and his head felt like a carousel. He leaned on the window shelf, looking at his house porch.

"I can't shut her out," he murmured as one specific memory rushed back to him. A memory that threw him to a better day, right before the hospital called him to inform him that Pamela had a car accident. What a sick game the universe was playing on him; it's like car accidents were destined to haunt him and strip him of any hope of redemption; first his mother, and then his love, and both because of him.

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Jason got out of his car and slammed the door hard. He walked fast to the front door ignoring the person following his every step.

"You can shut the whole world out, except me." A soft voice said as he felt a hand caress his shoulder gently.

He sighed, his muscles automatically relaxing under her touch.

Turning to face her, he replied, "Pam, please just leave, I'm really not in the mood." He tried to keep his voice low, his eyes traveling from her beautiful face to the ground. He didn't want to let it out on her. He wanted to protect her from everything. Even himself.

She held his face in her hands and lifted it up. "I'm never leaving. No matter how hard it will get. I promise you Jason, I'm never leaving." She spoke softly, like she knew how desperate he was to hear these words.

He remembered that moment like the back of his hand. She was looking so deep in his eyes that he felt she could almost touch his soul. She was fixing him with that same look she always had; that look that was ready to both tear his world apart, and build it back up.

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He shut his eyes firmly until it all turned black, blowing away the rest of the memory. He then opened them carefully and turned to face his best friend that was staring at him concerned. He got used to this look on Matt's face by now. Ever since what happened, that look never left his eyes.

"I tried. I swear i tried to forget, i tried to change for her, but i was scared to live and scared to die at the same time. My mistakes followed me everywhere. And i dragged her down with me. I haven't overcome anything Matt." Jason paused, looking back at the window.

Matt didn't reply, waiting for him to go on. He knew that Jason hid something about the night of the car accident, because of his odd behavior following it. He knew that it wasn't just related to his mother's death. But nobody ever had a clue why Jason started destroying his life day by day after that incident, refusing any chance of redemption.

"I've never forgiven myself for the accident. I was the one who was driving, and i didn't just kill my mother Matt.." he hardly swallowed, almost choking on the words, "that accident took the life of an 18-year-old boy too."