unnamed.

11. born to give.

I give and give and give and do all this shit for other people but in the end it backfires.

I think the most biggest problem in my life is myself. I care too much. I care too much that I don't know when to stop until I am hurt and torn to pieces. I care too much and I realise too late that the only person who will hurt themselves in the end is still me. But I don't give a shit, I still fucking care.

I am the second person. Have always been. The person no one really values, because they have more important people in their lives. It's crazy how I think this way, because to some I am valued. I am talking about my influence. I compare myself.

And then I am suffering. I am unimportant and I am inferior and I am nothing. Why do I love too much that it becomes exhausting? Is love supposed to feel like that? Exhausting?

I think I need to work on myself, and shake my head and tell myself to stop.
But it won't matter. Because when the night is over and the sun comes, I will continue to think that today I will be cared for. That I will be welcomed. That maybe people would be waiting to see me, or hear from me or just simply wait for me. I continue to think that maybe today I will feel like I fit in. Like people want me here.

Because all that is in my head is that, If I didn't exist, would anything even change? What mark have I made in this world? What mountains have I passed? If I wasn't there, would someone even notice that I am missing?

I am aware of how people come to me for advice. For setting things out straight, and leaving the conversation with things like, "I needed this." or "This is your thing. People come to you for advice and to blow things accumulated inside and if that is not one of the most crucially important things in life to be that person then I don't know what is." or a simple thank you.

I am thankful for being that person. Because I am all about giving and giving and giving and not taking anything in return. How is it even kindness if you expect anything in return?

All I am saying is

I think I loved a little too much, I love everything a little too much. I cared a little too much. I thought every heart would be soft, every place would be welcoming.

I think I thought a little too much.