"Forgiving" and reconciling with someone, before they are properly contrite let alone committed to real change, has a name. It's called enabling. Reconciliation cannot be forced and is not always either necessary or helpful. Sometimes walking away is the more loving option. -SSE
forgiving for yourself. it's a loving option. sometimes, before you take a dagger into your own heart because of people who make you feel you're at fault, that the world has been unforgiving, you need to gently put that dagger where you first found it. you need to give them back to people who asked you to stab yourself.
(hint: you might want to check with the people you consider most close to you first.)
oh yes.
darling, i'm talking to you. yes, you. it's been long. yeah, i don't hate you. i never have. it's me, come on. i dont hate. i hurt.
look, the only word hovering around my heart and my mind from the day it began is hurt. don't ask me when it began. its been there for far too long. the hatred and the hurt. it's in the tiniest ions and elements we have no care in the world to acknowledge. both of us.
i cried today when I heard your name. it just came to me. i don't get it. I'm so stubborn and sick. i have never given up on people before. why did you do that to me? i had to text my friend in the heavens and ask for forgiveness. i couldn't honor his dying wish. i...i blame myself.
i don't hate you. you know me, you've known me the longest. i can't hate people it's not in my genes and that's exactly why i am writing this to you in a situation like this, on a day like this, in a time like this, in a way like this. there's no other way. i can't handle any other way. im guilty. his wish comes back to me. look. dislike me on your own will, i wish you the best. i really do. i hope he loves you and i hope it's powerful. its okay. you can hate me.
but don't you dare, for one minute, believe that my kindness makes me anything but insurmountable. i did not unzip my chest to every kind of hurt, and stagger back, wounded and alive, just to hear you call me weak for trying.
im better now that you're gone. im proud of myself, you can say. i am better at handling people now. the secret is quite simple. thank you for teaching that to me. never get too close, right? we only lose what we cling to. i hope we meet someday and smile like strangers. i hope the world smiles at our feet. but mostly, i hope i leave soon, and i hope i forgive myself for leaving.
"how pleasantly they wish us unwell,
go to hell, go to hell ♡"
