Daily Diary

25th of April: day before term 2 starts.

My house is creaking, a slightly eerie, silent place at night. It's 11:02pm, I lay here, in my single bed (that I have had since I was 5) crumpled dark purple sheets draped across the edge with my toes digging into them, suffocating my toes and legs is a heavy quilt with a silver over loved cover. With one thing on my mind my heart pulses with anxiety and annoyance. Reality really hit me hard, eyelids are heavy with tiredness and a sinking feeling in my stomach which perfectly shows how I feel about tomorrow. School. I actually have to face people who I despise of, and one particular class that I fear as it causes me enormous amounts of stress. That class is dance. It sounds easy right but it's not, there's a lot more to it than dancing. It particularly stresses me out because of the teachers, specifically one (R) who bullies kids into doing things, gives lectures to make you feel guilty and picks favourites in the class. I suppose I have that to look forward to tomorrow. The second thing that I am not looking forward to is the amount of work that this term is going to give. Teachers throw it out like it's rubbish and we have to somehow clean it up and hand it to them in a perfect and untouched immaculate order, hoping, praying to god it is exactly how they wanted it to get an A grade. I barely get an A for assignments but when I do I am so ecstatic and I actually think I am smart for a second. Anyway I have half yearly tests for each subject to receive back and to either jump up and down about or be ashamed of. My parents don't really care too much about marks, as long as I am not failing they will be ok with it. I'm usually not this negative so let's look at the positive side of getting back to school. I guess I have a few people who make me laugh and wanting to keep coming back to school. (Mi) is one of my friends who can always be smiling and making other people smile and laugh until their stomachs hurt. I also miss another one of my only friends (Mo). She's younger than me, in year 10 and is a Muslim refugee, she can make your day lighten up with her smile and positive energy. I'm not stating people's names on here because they probably wouldn't want me to but they will know it's them if they see this. Anyway I really do like socialising with people at school which is another positive thing that I like about school but really I do feel lonely, even though I talk to people a lot. I feel lonely because they really aren't my friends, they're just around me for conversations and because they are friends with people who I am friends with. I can also never tell if someone really dislikes me which is annoying. It's now 11:39pm, I should be closing my eyes and enjoying my last bit of freedom before tomorrow, but I have one more thing. On snapchat just as I started to write this, someone added me and it was just a random add, but they are so nice and I really do appreciate it when I can just have a nice conversation with a random and get to know them. You probably think I am weird but it kind of cures loneliness. So thanks (Da) from Menai (Suburb of Sydney) for your add and asking questions about my life like "What nasho are u?" I'm pretty sure he meant what nationality are you? But anyway it took my a while to figure out and made me laugh in the end. I guess it's just a reassurance that tomorrow will be ok. Da is actually pretty hot because he sent a photo and is asking me to "snap him if I don't mind" I replied, you do realise that I look so bad right now" anyway, I still send him a half face ugly snap and it's waiting to be opened. He'll probably laugh and block me or something, even though he said "TBH I don't care aye, I don't judge, hahaha" meaning he does. He said I was cute, but I don't know, I never know about boys. Oh wait he just asked me if I "had a bf or anything" I'm confused if that means he's interested or not... who cares I don't need him haha. Plus I don't date anyway, whilst it's tempting, I don't want to make the same mistake I made with (Ma) my worst enemy on this earth. Da told me to snap him tomorrow just now... interesting. Anyway good night I am now going to bed at 11:58pm.