Daily Diary

27th of June: to build a home

I'm up late at night, worrying about things, and I found a song, which I really love to listen to. It has a calming nature as well as a slight sense of melancholy to it. It's honestly perfect. Perfect to reflect on things in life, such as a stupid thing I said last night, and also admitting my feelings about Ya to Mo. She honestly didn't mind, and I also hope she hasn't told Ya about it, because I don't want it to be awkward for us to talk. I also think about how I don't have much time left at school. It's slipping away so fast. I need more time to be with friends, to get closer to Ya and hopefully build some kind of relationship with him, where we can talk and laugh and understand each other on some kind of level, whether it be strong or even limited. I honestly don't mind. But I've considered repeating year 12 just to do better in class as well as making connections with people.

Having realisations that time is slipping away too fast is not fun. You can't do anything about it, you can't freeze time you can't make it go any slower, you've just got to make your actions and interactions speed up to make up for the loss of time. Even then there is still not enough time to build high quality relationships with new people and people I barely talk to but would love to talk to all the time.

It especially makes it hard to build these relationships when the people you're trying to build them with are hardly ever around you. And every small chance you see them, you get the chance to talk to them, a distraction takes place such as another person getting in the way, an event or technology. Last Friday I was at the 55A bus stop and I purposely missed the first bus because I saw Ya across the road waiting to cross over. So he came across the road and I was feeling incredibly nervous because this was one of those times when finally we are in the same place at the same time and nothing is in our way to stop us from interacting. So I kept facing away trying to anticipate how close he was getting, I turned around when he was about 5 meters away and pretended to casually look at him like I didn't know he was coming at all. I finally said hi to him, I surprised myself with a high pitched nervous hey. He smiled and said hey back in a deep but quiet voice. I honestly thought he was going to stop and stand right next to me. But he kept walking to the end of the bus shelter and stood there, alone speaking to someone on his phone. My eyes followed him and a slight twang of disappointment was filling me inside. I tried not to look towards him after that. The bus pulled up 5 minutes later and I started to build up the hope again. Hoping he would talk to me or make some kind of interaction, but to my disappointment he sat more towards the back of the bus, still talking to this person on his phone. I could hear his voice and it made me feel comforted knowing he was nearby but at the same time I was still slightly disappointed.