I wasn't expecting that to happen last night, but it did.
When I come downstairs the next morning, my parents and sister are gone.
All that's left is Shane's family.
And it feels right.
I feel my brothers staring at me.
"Lissy?" Cole whispers.
I look at him.
I just walked downstairs, and I've paused at the bottom step to look around the room.
I look at him.
"Are you okay?" He asks.
Everyone is quiet.
I hesitate.
"Yes." I say.
"Are you sure?" He asks.
I take a deep breath.
"I can't have that toxic life around me. I need happiness. I'm struggling to find it, but I'll get there."
I hardly talked to Shane after last night, and I've started shutting him out again.
I'm uncomfortable in my own home, and I know that's not okay.
"I'm going to walk the beach." I say, pausing when I see all of them getting up to follow me. "Alone." I add.
They're just trying to be there for me.
I go upstairs and pack a backpack and put on a black swimsuit and a black sundress over it, and then I go back downstairs. I get a water, and I leave. My worried family stays behind.
I forgot my phone at the house.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
<><>
I settled on the beach near a mother and her daughter and son. She's probably my age, maybe a bit older.
She's on the phone, and I can't help but eavesdrop.
"Mom, I'm fine. He left. That's fine with me. I have priorities. It's better in the end anyways."
She gets off the phone.
I'm tanning on a blanket. I flip back to my stomach, moving my hair, and I keep tanning.
"Excuse me?" She says. I keep tanning. "Excuse me? Girl with brown hair?"
I sit up, looking at her.
"Me?" I ask, pointing to myself.
"Yes." She says. "How are you so skinny?"
I hesitate.
"I don't eat fast food."
She hesitates.
"Do you work out?"
"Yes."
"Wow." She hesitates. "How did you get that scratch on your finger?"
I look down at my finger.
"My daughter scratched me."
"You have children?" She asks.
"A daughter and a son. My son is five and my daughter is seven months."
"Damn." She says. "You look great for just having a baby."
"Thank you." I smile. I look at her children. Her daughter is making a sand castle and her son is playing in the sand, throwing it around. "Do you have the time?"
She looks at her phone.
"12:32." She says.
I've been gone since nine this morning.
Shane is probably worried sick.
They all are.
"I heard something about somebody leaving you." I say carefully. She shrugs. "My boyfriend." Oh.
"I'm sorry." I frown. "Do you have plans for today?" "Nope."
"Well, you're welcome to join my family." I say.
She looks around.
"They're not here." I add, smiling gently. "I just live down the beach. We have a tradition. Taking a boat to an island and staying the night there."
"Sounds fun." She looks at her kids. "Would you guys like that?"
"Yeah!" Her daughter says.
"Can I go get packed?"
I nod.
"Where do you live?"
She points at the huge house behind her.
"You can come with me to get packed." She adds.
I nod. We start packing up, and we venture up the sand to her back patio.
I follow them inside her house. She keeps it very clean.
She takes the kids to rinse off and comes back with bags of stuff.
"What's your name?" She asks. "Felicity." I say. "You?" "Rebecca. You can call me Bec."
"Okay. It's nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too. This is Rose, she's five, and this is Jack, he's six months."
I say hi to the kids, and then we go back outside and she walks with me down the beach. Me talk the whole way, and I tell her about Shane and my kids and everyone in my house. We walk for almost an hour back to my house, because I must've walked farther than I realized. Finally, we get there, and I walk up the beach to my house.
Everyone is outside in the pool but the adults. They're all conversing quietly, but they stop when I walk up.
Shane eyes me.
"Mommy!" Owen says, scrambling out of the pool. He runs to me, ripping the floaties off his arms just as I open my mouth to tell him not to run by the pool, he slips, and he falls into the deep end.
Owen can't swim. He's too scared to learn.
We kept floaties on their arms.
He took them off. Everyone starts yelling, but I've dived into the pool in seconds, grabbing ahold of my son. I lug him to the wall of the deep end, and help him out, and then I climb out. He's okay, he just looked startled. He needs to learn to swim. I look at Shane, and he's thinking what I'm thinking. I take a deep breath. "Guys, this is Rebecca, Rose, and Jack. They're coming with us to the island." I say. I introduce her to everyone, and then I go into the house to get ready. I rinse the sand off my body in Shane and I's shower, and I towel dry, still in my bikini.I get out and pack a bag, and as I pack, Shane walks in. "So...are you still mad at me?" I turn around. "No. Why?"
"You're just...acting...off."
"I'm alright." He doesn't look the least bit convinced. I honestly feel fine. But I know I'm not. I know I'm not because I'm shutting my husband out. The most I've interacted with him is to cry in his chest since the fight. I didn't even let him touch me while we slept. I'm scared. He sees the hesitation in my eyes. "Baby, look at me. Look me in the eyes."I do, and I see that mesmerizing blue green. The eyes I gaze into when I wake up. The last before I fall asleep. I see his eyes in my son. "It's me." He whispers. "It's just me." He grabs my hand, putting it over his heart. I can feel it thundering in his chest. I take a deep breath, my eyes shut, and I let the breath out. "Talk to me." Slowly, I open my eyes. "I'm upset about kicking my family off." I whisper. "I'm not mad at you, I'm just taking a bit to get my feet planted properly again. I need you to be patient with me and keep trying.""If you're upset, why don't you let them back in?" "Because I'm upset, but the situation feels right. It's sad, yes, but when I have our family, your side around me, watching me, ready to be there for me if I break...that's the kind of support I need. That's what I need my children growing up around." He studies me for a long time. "Okay." He says. "And for the record, I will always be patient and keep trying. I'd never give up on you. Not in a million years."I smile softly, look at him, and whisper, "I love you."He looks relieved to hear that coming out of my mouth. "I love you too." We go downstairs after I've packed everyone, including Shane, and everyone has their bags and they're packed. "Can I talk to you outside?" Cole asks carefully Chase is with him. Six years ago if they asked me to talk outside, I'd expect them to do something horrible to me.I hesitate for a second, and then I sigh and walk outside. The back door is glass so everyone can clearly see us. Blake, Seth, and Devin come with us to talk.I stand there, the five of them facing me, and I wait, my arms across my chest. I'm expecting a lecture. But Cole steps forward and hugs me. I hug him back. I'm not a hugger. The only person I really a hugger for is Shane. Even though Cole has the same body as his brother, I still don't hug him the same. It doesn't feel the same.I hug him until he lets go. He pulls away, and he looks like he's upset. He has his hands on my arms, his eyes locked with mine. "Lissy...I love you. You're my baby sister. I don't want you to get back to that point. Shane is your rock. He always has been. Don't shut him out when you need him most. He wants to be there for you, but he can't if you don't let him."I am shutting Shane out. "I'm trying, Cole." I whisper. They all look concerned. "Well...try your best. We'll be with you every step of the way."They all hug me, and we go back into the house, but I'm scared now. I start messing with my fingernails, anxious. Rebecca is talking to Macy and her kids are playing with all the other kids. And I'm an anxious mess and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I can feel Shane watching me. I look at him, and then I look at the kitchen. He just simply nods. He goes in there first, and I wait a second, and I walk in. We slipped off unnoticed. He hops up on the counter when I get there, and just watches me. I pace around and around and around, not talking. He still waits. "I-I'm scared I'm going to get back to my old level. Always running. Always scared. Unable to trust myself. I can't even come to you, Shane. I'm scared." I look at him, tears in my eyes. His eyes study mine for a long time. He doesn't say anything. "Shane, please-"He grabs me, and he kisses me. This kiss is different. It's soft, and gentle. It's not a rushed goodbye kiss or a make up kiss or a before sex kiss. This is so much more than all of that. This kind of kiss is the one that runs chills through my body. This is like the first kiss, where is washed away all my worries, just by a touch of his lips. He's here, he's right here. Our tongues are mixing, but not wildly. They're mixing gently, lovingly. I feel loved by him. I feel like I have nothing to worry about. It's Shane. It's just Shane. He kisses me until neither one of us can breathe, and then he pulls away. We both open our eyes slowly, in sync. His hands are on both sides of my face. His mesmerizing eyes study mine for a long time. "You won't go back to that place," he whispers softly. "If you don't want to." I stare into his eyes. "Okay." I breathe. "Okay." He murmurs. He softly kisses my forehead. "You are so beautiful, Felicity Jess." Still, after six years of marriage, I blush when he compliments me. I smile softly. "And you are so handsome." "Thank you." He says. He gently nudges me back and hops off the counter.He's standing right in front of me now. I wrap my arms around him. He hugs me tightly, holding onto me for dear life. We stand there in each other's arms. "Momma? Daddy?" Owen's soft voice makes us pull away. He's standing to the entrance of the kitchen. I turn to him. "Yes?""Can we go to the island now?" "Yes. Let's go kiddo." Shane and I have a boat, and we leave it at a marina nearby. It's a huge boat and there's even jet skis and paddle boards and water skis and such. We have a ton of fun on Fourth of July. We walk all gather our things and pile into the truck, every single one of us. We fit as many kids in the cab, Shane drives and everyone else gets in the bed. Shane drives to the marina and we get out. He we all head to the boat with our bags and such. I'm the lightest adult out of all of us. It's slippery and they need someone to get the babies in safely. I'm light but I'm strong. Shane lifts me onto the boat. I toss my bag on a nearby seat. He hands me Owen first, and we keep filing kids in. The last two left are the babies, Odette and Jack. Shane hands me Jack, and I set him down on the deck, and then he hands me Odette. I set her down on the deck, and go to watch the kids while everyone else gets in the boat. Shane drives at first, and I go onto the bow and we take the boat and leave. The kids start to play and I breast feed Odette and give her some baby food and set her down to play. Rebecca is watching me chase the kids around. I settle down to tan though, laying on the bow as the wind whips around. I feel a change in the sunlight. I open my eyes. Shane stands next to me. "Yes?" I ask. "Can I sit with you?" I nod, sitting up. "How's the tan coming?" He asks. I pull my top aside a little to let him see how pale white my skin is under it. This is Shane's favorite time of year because I tan. I sit up and put sunscreen on my kids, and then I sit back with him. He settles against the wall of the boat, and I settle back against his chest, between his legs. He rests his head on my shoulder, his arms around me. "How are you?" He mumbles in my ear. "I'm good.""Are you okay or are you good?"I hesitate. "Both." I feel him nod. My phone starts ringing. My phone is connected to the Bluetooth and I'm controlling the music, so when it starts ringing, everyone groans out loud. I look down at it. Mom. My entire body tense, and Shane feels it and looks down at my phone. He's still for a second, and then he starts rubbing my arms. "It's your choice."I shut my eyes. "Who is it?" Cole demands. He moves to see who's calling because he wants the music back on. "Stop." Shane snaps at him. "Baby, if you want to answer it, you answer it. If you don't, you don't." I pick my phone up and stand up. I look back down at my mother's I.D.And then I press answer. My phone is on the Bluetooth so everyone can hear everything.Rebecca has already been filled in with a lot, so everyone is silent. I stay calm. "Hello?" I ask. It's quiet for a second. "Felicity?""Yes." I say. She's quiet for a second. "I'm sorry." She says. "Tori ran off." Silence. Of course she did. I'm done. "Okay." I say. "You don't care?""Nope." I say. "You are unbelievable, you-""You are calling me after bashing my family in my house, to apologize, just because you want me to help you look? No. I don't care. If you would stop hurting everyone, she wouldn't have taken off." Silence. "You are not my daughter. You-""You're damn right I'm not your daughter!" I laugh. "If I was, you wouldn't be so cold to me! You know, I've been upset about shutting you out, but now I'm not. My children, my family, they don't need this garbage. I am done. Goodbye, Mother."I hang up. Everyone is staring at me. And for once, I don't care.
<><>
I was back to normal ten minutes later, joking with everyone, laughing. We're on the island, riding jet skis. I'm sitting on shore now helping make food, and all the guys are out messing around in the water. I wave for the guys to come in for dinner, and they all do, and they eat basically all the food after we and the kids get our food. It's getting to be dark so they put the water toys away. I stay playing with the music again, and all the adults decide to play hide and go see tag. So me, Shane, Rebecca, Cole, Chase, Blake, Devin, Seth, Jake, Peyton, and Macy. We all have kids of our own but we're all mentally children. Everyone votes and Shane is it. That's means that I'm the target. So I sprint into the woods and find the first tree I can, and I climb it.
Shane
I've been looking around for everyone. I spot a blur in front of me. Cole. I sprint after him, tackling him on the sand. He swears four times, glaring at me. I snicker as he flashes me the finger. He get up, wiping sand off of him, and then he starts to help me look. That's how it looks. Whoever I find joins my teams. The only one that can tag is me, but they help look. I find Rebecca next, and within twenty minutes, I've found everyone except for Felicity. We're standing around the fire where the kids are and we're my parents are, looking. I'm actually a bit worried. "Did Felicity go to the boat?" I quietly ask my parents. They shake their head. "Woods." Mom says. This island is huge. I crouch down by the fire. "What are you doing?" Cole asks. "Thinking like my wife." I say, thinking hard. I look up and around. The trees. I walk into the woods and start looking around at the trees. I put my flashlight on. As I shine is through the trees, I spot a blur in the trees. Felicity. She's sitting at the top of a tree on a branch. "Hey!" I yell. She looks at me, and a mischievous grin fills her face. She scrambles down the tree and starts to run. For a small woman, Felicity is fast. I sprint after her. We reach the sand, and I can hear her laughing. She keeps circling the island, and everyone is chasing us to watch. She reaches the fire, and I launch myself at her. My hand catches her bikini top, and I hear her gasp, and then her laughing. I'm face down in the sand, holding onto something. I look up. She's topless, kneeling in front of me with her hands covering her chest. She's laughing. I start laughing too. I pulled it so hard, it untied around her back and her neck. I gesture for her to turn away from everyone and put it back on her. She's still laughing when she's turned around. I have no idea what time it is, but we decide now to set off fireworks. So we gather them all up and go settle down with our little families as my parents light them off. I sit next to Felicity with Odette in my lap and Owen in hers. Her right hand is in my left, and as the fireworks go off, I find myself not able to look. As I gaze at her face, I realize the fireworks aren't important. I'm looking at something far more beautiful.
Still though, behind that smile as she holds our son, pointing out colors to him, the smile doesn't reach her eyes. There's a shine that used to be there that's gone.
It's my job to get that shine back.
