Dream

36. Pushing You Away

I'm screaming inside,
And if you could hear the voices in my mind,
If you knew what went on behind,
These closed doors,
If I told you the real reason I cry,
You'd say I was mad,
Drugged up, drunk, fucking high
That's why,
I can't say what happens when you aren't around
The subtle crimes,
I commit when no one's watching
The battles I fight,
In my nightmares and dreams
The wars waged under my overstretched smile,
My foolish grinning,
The only outward sign,
Of inward lunacy
You can't help my plight,
I'm in too deep
And even if I told you the truth hidden by my endless lies,
You'd have no reason for staying
I know you would see,
That I'm not worthy
Not deserving of your cherishing
You'd leave
Just like the rest
You'd agree,
With the doctors, the therapists, and all their psychoanalyzing
I'm not good for you
You don't need me,
You deserve the best of the best
Not a manipulating,
Lying,
Life ruining,
Box of anger issues and anxiety
A person full of nothing,
But bottled up emotion and sociopathic tendencies
You'll find someone who's just right,
Someone who isn't me
You'll meet a person with all your amazing qualities
They'll be kind and loving
With a smile full of healing
Not a grin like mine so forced you'd think my face was breaking
And as much as it's hurting,
The thought of giving,
Away my chance to be happy,
I know that you'll achieve,
Everything you've ever wanted and more
With someone by your side helping,
Someone as full of life and energy,
As you
Someone with a heart of innocence and purity,
And eyes holding endless galaxies,
Stars that never stop shimmering,
This person will be a brightening,
Showing you what you could have had when you were wasting,
You're time on a thief,
When you could have had a diamond
You'll realize that I was stealing,
Your precious moments,
With my selfish indulging
This person you'll find,
Will be self giving,
A true beauty,
Inside and out
This will be the one you love for eternity
You'll deserve each other
And right all the wrongs in society
This person will bring,
Happiness back to your eyes,
Make them gleam
Shine like I could never cause them to
They're going to be the very epitome,
Of every good thing
Not a clinically insane,
Crazy,
Psychology case
That's why I'm telling you that the person for you isn't me
I'm fucked up in the brain,
And that's exactly why,
I know I can't stay,
That's why,
I'm pushing you away.

Inspired by,
Goner-Twenty Øne Piløts