unconsciously searching

Chapter 23

Not an hour later I stood painfully mute at the entrance of the old science classroom.

I watched as my father slowly marked papers, his red pen scratching the rough paper with every move of his wrist.

He looked the exact same, but completely different at the same time. I was suddenly aware of the resemblance between the both of us. Our hair, our jawline, our eyes. Both were pale blue. The only difference was that mine were cold and icy and his were warm.

He suddenly looked up and smiled at me. I couldn't help but try to look at him the way I used to look at him, I wanted that so badly but I just couldn't.

"Gem? How did you get here?"

All at once every emotion I had ever felt boiled up inside of me. I wanted to run up and hug him and tell him how much I have needed him. I wanted to kneel down and cry and tell him how hard it's been. I wanted to hurt him for leaving me alone all this time. But most of all, I wanted to confront him.

I shrugged.

"Did they let you out early or are you just visiting?"

I sighed and held back about a million tears

"You're my father" I said, almost quiet enough so that nobody in the entire world could here me.

But I knew he heard because he looked up, shock on his face.

"Gem, I didn't.. How did you.."

I felt so angry I didn't know what to do. What I really wanted to do was throw I chair at him but I didn't think that would be politically acceptable.

Suddenly hot tears gathered in my eyes. At first I wasn't sure what was happening, it was so unusual for me to cry I forgot how it felt. I looked away from him, the resemblance I saw in him was uncanny now. I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed it before.

"And you weren't going to tell me?"

My voice was shaking.

"I was going to but I needed to find the right"

"The right what?" I yelled.

"The right time?!? Because I'm sorry but it's a little to late for that." I yelled. I was surprised at how angry I sounded.

I wanted to leave. I didn't want to hear any more but at the same time I wanted to hear every excuse he had under the sun.

He put down the papers and walked towards me.

"Gem you have every reason to be mad at me I.."

My feet quickly moved to away from him

"Don't touch me" I yelled.

He stopped in his path

I couldn't help myself but yell

"you know, I trusted you!"

"Gem I know, please I can explain"

I shook my head.

"No you can't. If you knew I was your son why didn't you do anything? Why didn't you say anything for gods sake you knew my story and you knew I needed you and you still didn't do anything?"

I was sick to my stomach and dizziness took over as I began to lay out the facts.

"Gem listen to me!"

He yelled

I shut my mouth

"I couldn't just walk up to you and tell you. I needed to find the right time to tell you"

"Don't bother"

I whispered.

"Look" he said

"So you think wanted to leave you and your mother 15 years ago? Because I didn't. I had no choice, so I left for New York"

"Ya and look where that got you" I snapped.

"FOR GODS SAKE GEM, you don't know what it's to love someone and have to leave them"

All the breath escaped me for a moment. I didn't feel angry anymore,

Everything inside me slowed down and I felt a strange warming sensation. I quickly wiped away the tears that had accumulated in my eyes.

"You don't think I know what it's like to leave someone I love behind?"

My voice cracked as I let the words spill out of my mouth

Mr C looked down at his feet

"Gem I didn't mean"

"Last time I checked" I began

"I was the one who watched my mom die, I had to leave her behind and I don't know what it feels like?"

"Gem I.."

I lifted up my sleeve and revealed the Cigar shaped scars on my forearm

"I went through hell everyday with my moms boyfriend because I knew, she loved him and I didn't want to get in the way of that, so I let him do that to me"

There was a long silence.

It took all my strength not to cry right then and there but some how I did it.

"And then I watched him walk away from her like it was nothing, so I know what it feels like to be left behind too"

My father began to cry. My heart was beating quicker then I could take breaths but I kept speaking

"Where were you?" I whispered

Without warning the tears spilled down my cheeks, I quickly wiped them off

"Where were you!" I yelled.

He didn't respond. He was like a statue frozen in time.

"That's what I thought"

I opened the classroom door

"So don't tell me what I have and haven't felt because you don't even know the half of it"