My Crazy Hot Interstellar Affair

10. Boyfriend's Ex is Raving Maniac Who Didn't Deserve Him

The question of why Andie had ended up back on Oliver's office couch after having dramatically quit her job working for him and his fellow evil aliens may be answered by the following axiom: "No one can live forever on waffles."

It's true.

She didn't want to upset Sterling, who felt responsible for what happened to Andie and also kept asking questions about aliens, which she didn't even want to risk answering in writing. And if her mom saw the condition of Andie's skin, she would insist on quinoa/kale/carob poultices, or hold seances in her bejeweled turban, or ask her "psychic" seeing-eye dog, Pilot, for answers.

So Andie had no choice but to have food delivered to her apartment. And the only option was General Sherman's Chicken & Waffle House. It had a website where she could order from her laptop without having to talk to anyone (a plus when you can't talk) and the delivery guy there didn't care about Andie's severe skin rash.

The other delivery people tried to act all cool about it, but some of them couldn't even look her in the eye. Others recounted long stories about how their Aunt Millie once had the same thing and cured it with rice poultices or virgin sacrifice or whatever. And of course Andie, being mute, couldn't shut them up by saying: "No, it's an alien poison and Aunt Millie didn't have the same thing."

So that left General Sherman's. And since Andie despised chicken, that meant waffles.

After two days, to combat the boredom and pain, Andie turned on her laptop. (She had been afraid to turn on the television after the strawberry margarita cowboy incident). Unable to help herself, she pulled up the Star Enquirer website and entered her password to log into the accounts. She was in! The Star Enquirer hadn't even thought about removing her as an authorized user. These aliens had so much to learn about internal controls! So as she dug into her waffles, dripping syrup on the keyboard, she scanned the accounts, hoping to find anything that to help her with an antidote. Like maybe an account labeled "Antidote" that had a bunch of ingredients charged there. But no such luck.

So after three days of maple syrup-soaked, perforated, cooked batter, it all became intolerable. But even worse was her conscience. She'd left her staff to the merciless Cyra. She had to make sure they were all right. This had absolutely nothing to do with seeing Oliver.

"Yeah, right," Bad Andie said.

Andie huffed and grabbed a white board and red dry-erase marker that had survived the purge of possessions, and headed to the Star Enquirer building. Even if she made a disparaging remark about Oliver's manhood, or alienhood, she was pretty sure he cared enough about her to end her suffering.

***

Here she was. Back in Oliver's office. On his couch. Where they'd shared that brief kiss. Where she'd thought he was incredibly hot. And even now, thanks to Bad Andie, naked images of the rippling muscles of his naked chest flashed across her consciousness.

Cut it out! At least she didn't need an audible voice to yell at Bad Andie.

I don't even know why I waste my talents on such a Philistine, said Bad Andie.

Quiet! I have things to do.

Bad Andie rolled her eyes. Wait, how can a disembodied voice that is really a manifestation of your subconscious roll her eyes? Apparently with Bad Andie, eye-rolling was more of a feeling than a physical act.

Anyway, here Andie was, mute, skin the color of ... well ... her red dry-erase marker, scribbling her request on the whiteboard.

Oliver sat behind his desk in his perfect suit, back straight, looking at Andie everywhere except her eyes in the same disgusted way the delivery people had. His mother, in her usual winter-white suit with a collar no doubt made from the fur of an endangered animal, was feeding the Venus fly traps live crickets from a Baggie. "Aren't the plants precious? Gifts from my garden," said Mrs. Lieder. "They remind me of home. Anyway, I did not mean to get sentimental. Tell us, why are you here, dear?"