My Crazy Hot Interstellar Affair

39. Assistant Offended at Being Called "Secretary"

Rachel unleashed an unearthly moan that triggered a Neuronic surge in Andie's core. It snaked around her spine, down her leg and arm bones, threatening to uncoil and burst outward like a tsunami, decimating everything in its path. As Rachel was definitely in said path, Andie clenched her jaw and fists to push down the power.

"Meet Earth's newest celebrity," said Talia. "Star of the nationally syndicated hit radio show Rachel Bank and Pilot the Psychic Wonderdog, and the most recent As the Earth Turns recruit!"

This did not compute.

At all.

Because Rachel would never have agreed to come to The Colony. She would care nothing for the phony life this place offered.

Once Andie had her mother safely out of the way, Talia was going to be zapped into tiny shards of evil-secretary and launched into outer space. Bad Andie supplied Andie this exact image—arms, legs, perfect eyebrows, beetle-black hair, a torso, all exploding like a firework against a starlit sky. The eyebrows hung on for a moment, ghostly remnants, like the Cheshire Cat's smile.

"Okay," Andie said. "That was gross."

"But satisfying. Right?"

"Yes," Andie admitted. "But still."

"It was your idea. Honestly, I don't know how to please you."

"I didn't know you cared."

"You haven't been paying attention then," Bad Andie said.

"Look," Andie said. "I've had a lot on my mind. Like now I need to figure out how to get my mom to safety, get rid of Talia, find Oliver, rescue Sterling, get transport back to earth, shut down the Star Enquirer, free the Zuts, and sign up for the deluxe kickboxing lesson package, because I don't know how much longer the Neuronic woo hoo will even hold up. Plus, it's super unreliable."

"Well, I suggest you buy time. Flatter her. Remember the eyebrows?"

"Yeah. Thanks!"

Andie took a deep breath and prepared for some Hollywood-level ass kissing. "You are so smart! How did you even find me?"

"The trees have eyes."

"You mean cameras?"

"Yes. Obviously. Trees do not literally have eyes. You are so incredibly stupid. What does Oliver even sees in you?"

"How would I know what's possible on an alien world?" Andie snapped. "These could be like the trees in the Wizard of Oz. Maybe if I'm lucky, they'll start throwing poisoned apples at you." Oops. Andie had really screwed up the ass-kissing. Unfortunately, it was never one of her superpowers. The Hummer swerved to avoid hitting a dog on the road. "Uh, I mean, throw them at me. Because of my stupidity and stuff. And, um, speaking of dogs, where's Pilot?"

"What pilot?"

"Mrrrrrrrbbb," Rachel mumbled from behind the gag.

"The show is called Rachel Bank and Pilot the Psychic Wonderdog. Here is Rachel. Where is the psychic wonderdog?"

"Oh, him." Talia flicked her hand in the air. "Who cares? I think he must still be at the Induction Center. Animals require extra paperwork. So dirty. And the fur gets everywhere."

Rachel banged her head on the back of the seat.

"Stop that now!" Talia bellowed, yanking Rachel's hair hard. Rachel yelped.

Fingertips still leaking blue lightning, Andie pulled the blaster out of the top of her spacesuit and leveled it at Talia's head. "You will not hurt my mother," Andie said through gritted teeth. Maybe Andie couldn't aim the Neuronic energy with pinpoint accuracy, but she was pretty sure she could blast a hole in Talia's head from this distance. However, it would be a good idea to hold off on blasting Talia until they were at a complete stop.