Chase & Adrienne

22

CHASE 

MONDAY AFTERNOON

Despite my reeling stomach and lacking appetite, I go to lunch anyway. I sit at the usual table mechanically alongside everybody minus Adrienne. Her absence completely throws off the equation, and it freaks me out when I realize that this has become the new normal. At this point, it would be more surprising if she actually did sit with us.

As I stir my slimy pasta salad around on my tray, tracking the oil trail it leaves in its wake, I can feel Carmen's huge eyes boring into my skull. I don't dare acknowledge her by looking up. The shame from Saturday night stuck around longer than I anticipated. I wonder who she's told about it. I haven't told a soul, and I never will. I don't know what I'd do if it got back to Adrienne. 

Our conversation this morning--if you could label it something as civil as that--left me rattled, but that doesn't stop me from stealing pitiful glances toward her table as many times as I can. It hurts to look at her with Luke. Still, there always comes a point, something I reach within seconds of being in the same room as her, where I am simply unable to fight my masochistic urges any longer. I am filled with ugly satisfaction every time she looks miserable or annoyed sitting at that table, usually when one of the cheerleaders is running her mouth or one of Luke's friends starts launching food at people. This moment of triumph is often deflated quickly when Luke turns to her, smiling or making a joke, and her eyes sparkle. She gazes up at him with this little smile on her face, and I can't help but wonder if she's ever looked at me like that. Watching her makes me sick. 

I must have been staring at them for longer than normal because I jump when Carmen reaches over the table and taps my arm lightly. Her touch is electric like a shock. My muscles seem to remember her touch more fondly than my brain or my heart do. 

"What?" I ask, jerking my arm away faster than I meant to. A hurt expression crosses her face for a moment, but she recovers quickly. 

"You're acting pathetic again," Renee says slowly, trying to make it sound like a joke even though we all know it's not. I wave off their concern, like it's no big deal. It's not like the girl I've realized I'm in love with is sitting across the room staring lovingly at my mortal enemy, the guy who hates my guts more than anyone else on this planet. That is, assuming my feelings toward him are mutual. 

"Stop throwing yourself a pity party, Chase," Danny warns. "You didn't even invite us. That's cold, man." 

I shrug, getting up to leave, not a dent in my food. Coming to lunch was a mistake. It's not like I'm sad. I'm just over it. 

"Sit your sorry ass down," Andre says harshly, using his basketball voice, the one he uses on the court to call out plays. Assertive, short, and to the point. 

"If you guys are trying to make me feel better, it's not working," I say, irritated. 

"Chase," Danny starts, using his man-to-man voice. "We just want you to get over it, okay? You and Adrienne are never gonna be friends again if you keep acting like this."

I cock my eyebrows, completely taken aback. 

"You don't think I know that? At this rate, Adrienne and I are probably never going to talk again. Don't you guys realize that I just lost my best friend? I think I have the right to be a little upset, don't you think?" 

And with that, I slam my chair into the table and bolt, headed for who knows where. Any place but here is fine by me. 

As I walk, I hear someone following behind me. I don't turn around. Carmen catches up to me, throwing an arm across my chest to block my path. 

"Carmen, please move,"  request in the nicest way possible. My internal detonator is ticking, and time is running out. 

"Just hear me out, Chase. Please."

I push past Carmen, determined on being alone, but she is persistent. Her quick, tiny steps echo in my wake. She talks anyway.

"You have all of us to help you through this, Chase. We know it sucks. Remember, we all lost a piece of Adrienne, too. We all love Adrienne. Just like you do. We're all in this together."

I take a deep breath, running my hands through my hair. I had never thought of it like that. I don't know the last time Adrienne talked to Renee or Carmen either. Am I being selfish? I guess it's really not all about me. Apperently, Adrienne's departure left us all a little flustered. 

"Fine," I huff. 

"Good," she says, linking her arm with mine. It's a friendly gesture. "Let's go get some tater tots. You don't have to speak. Just sit with us, okay?"

I return to the table, Carmen on one arm and a heaping pile of tater tots in the other. I apologize as sincerely as I can, trying to be empathetic. They all dismiss my anger, assuring me that they understand and that they'll forget about it. It does make me feel a little bit better. Besides, Luke's table cleared out while I was gone. It's a lot easier to have fun with my friends when I don't have to see Adrienne and Luke drool over each other every second. I mean, I was trying to eat. 

As I sit among the jokes and the good vibes, I glance at Carmen. She's already looking at me. She smiles at me with her mouth and her eyes. In that moment, I know she's not mad about Saturday. I also recognize that she saved me from my pity party, at least for today. In these actions, there is a faint whisper of something, something that has been silent for a very long time. I hear genuine love and care. I smile back at her.