Chase & Adrienne

35

CHASE

SATURDAY NIGHT

After I drop Adrienne off, I cruise on home. Now that I'm alone, this surreal haze completely overtakes me. I feel like I'm a character in a movie, driving into the night just as the credits begin rolling. It's gotta be one of those feel-good movies that keeps you smiling even after you leave the theater, as you're returning home, and as you're just about to fall asleep for the night. My happiness is uncontainable. I roll my window all the way down and stick my head out like a dog. I even let my tongue hang out of my mouth for a couple seconds. I can't remember the last time I felt this free. I'm too happy to feel embarrassed or silly. Is this what being in love feels like? Man, I've been missing out. Not anymore.

"Whooooooooo hoooooooo!" I holler down the street, seeing how long I can hold it out for. I don't care who might hear me. Energy courses through me like a drug. Every single cell in my body just wants to break out into a dance. The air feels fresher, every streetlight shines brighter, and my heart sings louder. The world just looks so much better than it did yesterday. 

When I get home, I practically float inside. After locking the door behind me, I lean against it for a moment, granting myself a couple seconds just to process. To take it all in. I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe this is happening!!! I let my mind come up with all these sickeningly sappy scenarios that Adrienne and I must be destined to fulfill now. I won't go into detail. I don't want to embarrass myself anymore than I already have. 

My ringtone wakes me from my daydreaming. It's not Adrienne's preset tone, which slightly disappoints me. It's already getting late, so I assume it's Mom or Dad. I check the caller ID anyway. It's Carmen. 

Immediately, my stomach clenches with guilt, and my fantasies vanish. How did I forget about her? I got so wrapped up in Adrienne--I couldn't help it. I'm a terrible person. How much does Carmen know?

"Hello?" This comes out sounding more like a confession than like a greeting. I clear my throat. 

"Hey, sorry, did I wake you?" Her tone of voice is completely normal, but I don't let my guard down. 

"No, no, it's, uh, it's okay. You're good. What's up?"

"I just wanted to check and see if Adrienne is okay. She's not answering any of my texts."

"Yeah, yeah," I answer quickly, letting myself feel just a little relieved. She's not mad. At least, it doesn't seem like it. "I just took her home."

"Just now?" Carmen asks. I might be imagining it, but her voice is definitely tinged with something unpleasant. She sounds surprised, just a little accusatory, and slightly hurt. I have no idea how to answer, so I stay silent for longer than I should. Finally, there's a huff on the other end of the line.

"Okay, I lied," she admits. "I did want to know how Adrienne's doing, but I needed to talk to you, too."

My guilt returns immediately. I can feel my heart pounding. Does she know about the kiss? About me and Adrienne?

"What do you wanna talk about?"

"Not over the phone. When are you free tomorrow?"

I wish she would just tell me over the phone. She could yell or cry or totally berate me for being a douchebag. I just wouldn't have to see the tears or see the pain in her eyes. How am I going to do this?

"It doesn't have to be a big deal, Chase," she continues. "We just really need to talk."

"Okay." I pull the phone away from my ear for a moment, pretending to check some imaginary calendar even though I know I have zero plans. "I'm free all day."

"Is noon okay?"

The thought of talking to Carmen so soon brings on a surprising wave of panic. Still, I think I'd ultimately freak out if I spent the entirety of tomorrow overthinking what to say to Carmen. I gotta get it over with. If I put it off, I will explode. 

"Actually," I sputter, trying to come up with an excuse. Nothing's coming to mind. I concede. "Noon's fine."

"Okay, I'll stop by."

"Okay," I say, even though it is so far from being okay.

"Good night, Chase."

"G--"

Carmen hangs up before I can say anything back. My emotional balloon pumped with euphoria has been popped, deflated, and crapped on. I can't help but feel guilty for what I've done to Carmen. She was there for me when no one else was, even Adrienne, and I still didn't pick her. Should I have? She stuck with me even when Adrienne didn't.

I toss and turn all night, guilty and afraid. I worry that Carmen is about to make my newfound love with Adrienne a lot more messy. Why can't the universe just let me and Adrienne be happy? We've been apart for so long already. I don't know how much longer I could wait if something sketchy happens.

I'm so afraid that I will somehow lose Adrienne tomorrow. Before I fall asleep, I send her a text. I had decided against a good night text for fear of appearing too clingy, but now, I don't care.