Trauma ➸ Audrey Jensen [1]

1 ➸ cold water

one ; cold water

♕

HARLEY

Feel the cold water against your skin. Feel how it could pull you under at full force any second, but it doesn't. It's just letting you float on the surface, unable to breathe. Wishing you could break free of the stillness, you can't. Your lungs need air, they're about to take that breath. You won't be able to control it. Your lungs will force your mouth open, hoping that it will be filled with air. But it won't. The water will rush in, and you'll die.

Try to move. People pity you, you know. They pity the true fear that you have of water. The anxiety attacks you have when people even mention swimming, and you don't even know why. You have yet to discover the truth of your fear.

I looked at myself in the mirror, the thoughts had stopped. Focusing on the bags under my eyes, I could come to the conclusion that I hadn't been sleeping again. I'd been having the visions, and not having control of my breathing at night. I would just stop breathing, it hurt.

The tap water turns on, and I flinch, breathing heavily. You can do this. Wash your hands, just put your hands under the faucet. My hand inches close, touching the warm liquid that I feared. A shriek left my mouth, as I relaxed into the feeling. You could imagine how hard it is for me to take showers, I do it. It's hard, but I do it.

The feeling of the warm water made me tense, and I turned off the faucet water before things turned bad. I sighed in relief at the remembrance that I showered earlier today, and I didn't have to worry about it. Although, water wasn't the only thing I had an unusual fear of and had no idea why.

Other than the extreme claustrophobia, I was deathly afraid of isolation. I get left alone for long periods of time, and I lose it. You're a failure. You're one of those people that are afraid of random stuff, and for what? Nothing. You're nothing.

I was hearing my phone ring, ignoring it like I always do. I had one friend, one person who put up with me, but why? Lexa only feels bad for you, she couldn't stand seeing a human like you suffer alone. I shake my head vigorously, thinking all those negative things to myself, and keeping them deep in my head.

Pulling my sleeve down to hide the scars, I let out a small cry, like I always did. I wanted to think I was strong, used to be strong. But, in reality, I'm weak. I'm just a weak person, and I don't even have a reason to be weak. I don't know how I got all these problems, but I got them.

I growled at the image of me in the mirror. The bags under my eyes, my pale face, dried up lips. I hadn't even been taking care of myself, what a pity. I played with the necklace around my neck, opening and closing the small heart locket.

The object was rusted up, and what used to be a bright shining gold, was now a brown heart of rust. It was rough to touch, almost hurting the supple skin on my finger tips. It was my sisters, but she wasn't here anymore. My mother gave me her locket, only telling me that she didn't make it when we were born. We were supposed to be twins.

I was supposed to grow up with her, always having her by my side when I needed her. But instead, she didn't make it into this sad cruel world. Now, I have to live through it by myself. I always put her image in my head. Looking exactly like me, but maybe even being taller, or shorter than me. She would always be nice, and even when we had arguments, we would always come back to each other.