Trauma ➸ Audrey Jensen [1]

11 ➸ regret

eleven ; regret

♕

AUDREY

The weekend was over. Our long, lake filled weekend was over, and now the regret was filling my mind. One week later, and i'm still crying everyday. There's something about her that I don't want to let go. I felt nothing but the regret of letting myself start to fall for her. I don't love her, and I can't. I probably won't see her again, and my shitty life will return. I guess the usual life is better. I was angry, beyond angry.

I hovered over the counter at the theater sadly, giving out tickets to everyone who came into the theater. I was working all day, and by now I was just ready to go home and cry some more. The only way to get over Harley, is to lose her. I don't know if I can do that. I tried not to sob as I kept playing last weekend in my mind like a song, imagining being able to do that all the time.

It felt like the day lasted years, as it was slowly coming to an end. Today I pretty much had a short shift, having to be the only employee to stay after and clean everything up. That was always my job, while they went home to sit on their privileged asses.

I kept thinking about it as I began cleaning, closing my eyes and reimagining the way her lips felt against mine, and how she was so beautiful. I remembered how miserable she was. How she needed someone who would love her endlessly. I was willing to break my promise and take the risk so we could both be happy, but it was too late now. I need to forget I ever met her.

"Hey." Her voice seemed booming from behind me, when in reality it was just that sweet, gentle voice that always came out. That sweet voice that belonged to Harley. I turned around, dumping a pile of popcorn in the garbage as she gave me a sad look of guilt.

"Um, I—"

"Don't, Harley. I understand that you don't trust me. Because, maybe I don't trust you either."

Her face softened even more from the words that left my mouth, and she was left completely speechless. "Forget you met me, alright? I don't know what you could still possibly want from me. Just... Go away!" I shouted, slamming the broom down on the floor.

Harley didn't say a word, and I didn't have to look at her to know that she walked away with tears in her eyes. The theater doors shut, and there was silence in the room, me being the only one to remain.

___

Halfway through the large bottle of vodka, and I could already feel myself losing the only sober feelings left. The sun set and I watched, drunkly. I couldn't pay proper attention to anything, mostly everything being blurry.

Had I really drank that much?

I brought the bottle of vodka back up to my numb lips, feelings as if this bottle of burning alcohol was my only true friend. I sat on my bedroom floor, leaning against my bed as I pondered the new heartbreak I was experiencing. It felt worse than the heartbreak of discovering Emma wouldn't love me, but I was long over that.

I moved on to someone I had though I had a small chance with, but I was wrong. I am not good enough for Harley. I am not good enough for anyone. The bottle emptied quickly, and I let the weight of the bottle take my arm to the ground, and I let the bottle roll out of my hands and onto the ground as my arm lingered numbly next to it.