What's Inside?

i am lost

Orders.

I must follow.
Ignore being hollow
Taught to never think
Only, follow orders.

Doubt.

Where is he?
What is the meaning of being free?
Where is my father in times of dire trouble?
Did he not care about us anymore?

Thought.

A thought. An idea.
Like a child opening up his eyes
To think for once, to use our minds.
Finally healing the blind.

Heart.

My innocence.
My desire to protect who's close.
To protect him the most.
The one who thought me about freedom.
To make a choice.
To break the mold.
Bringing the warm in cold.
Seeing the true light in blinded light.
Serving through my loyalty,
Will do everything I can for what I consider my family.

But,

I

Am

Lost.

With this freedom, what am I suppose to do with it?
Angels are built as soldiers, not to think.
To follow blindly,
Do what is written on our destiny.
But two brothers taught me different.

But, what now?
They say I'm the new god, they're starting to bow.
Am I making the right choice?
Is this even my own voice?
What if this is wrong?
My friends are screaming it is.
What if it's right?
My instinct says it is.

Which am I going to listen to?
Please give me a sign!
I could make a mistake..
That I can't take back when it's time..

I should just go back from following orders.

I'm now having my doubts.

This is all new for me, why did I let my thoughts allow?

What really is free will? Where is my heart in this place?

One thing's for certain, an emotion that I'm wrapped in like a lace.

I

Am

Lost.

But one thing that I know,
No matter how many times I die in row,
I wouldn't let them get hurt.

A: based on the perspective of Castiel (from season 4 to 6 especially 6) from the TV show Supernatural. I'm now on season 8. And I'm already dead inside.