What's Inside?

dilemma

im broken
a bitter, broken person
Too shattered and shaken
Destined to be alone
Destined as a heartless drone

im evil
from the depths of hell i came
to break hearts and leave me in shame
knowing no one will ever understand
How such a sweet person can do such things out of hand
A smart person yet, illogical are my acts
I knew that for a fact.

im confused
my fantasy don't match my reality
my thoughts don't match my words
my words don't match my actions
everything is just too headache and blurred
i want love but i push people away
oh, tell me brain
what is the real reason why I can't fight and stay?

Is it because you're tired?
Tired of the endless void that can't be filled
Tired of the times you non-stopped suffered?
Tired that this is just an endless drill,
That keeps on digging on your head saying,
"Stop! Stop this and leave."

Is it because you're drained?
Drained of the efforts that you can no longer give
Drained of everything that you've already given,
That you don't seem to fully live.

And I've accepted that.
I've accepted that I can't be loved,
I've accepted that I'm evil, that there's always going to be evil within me,
That what i need right now, is to be free.

But still, the guilt still weighs me.
I've shattered such a wonderful gem.
Someone extraordinary, seperated from all of them.
He was my peridot, I was his lapis lazuli..

And now, there's no longer we.
All those poems he made just for me,
Words from his broken heart serves as daggers to mine.
Oh but please, my peridot, still shine.

I know you can.