Today, after being confronted by my two halves, "I" decided to release the strings that are separating me from my destiny.
Fear.
Not literal fear like monsters, but fear of purpose.
We all have a purpose in life that sends us on a journey. "I" have just been so far off course for so long that I forgot what that purpose was or where that journey was taking me.
So focused on the destination I forgot about the ride. The ride is what lasts the longest in any trip. Once you're there it has ended, and although the end is the beginning of another journey, you have to enjoy the one you are on FIRST. Well, not necessarily "enjoy" but realize and not be afraid of the journey, by any means.
My fear has been hidden beneath a blanket of false confidence.
All my life I felt that I was great, until I became challenged to become even greater. To become a leader. To run my hive with a real purpose other than self-satisfaction.
In undergrad I had a calling toward a role of power that I really did not want nor desire, but I followed it, because I was not "afraid".
"I" was not fearful of my own greatness and ability to make a difference.
Where did that go? Was that truly confidence? Or was it simply ignorance?
I had no idea what I was stepping into.
When I reached the podium, that pivotal moment of my success: I stood adored and received praises.
I became so filled with meaningless accolades that I didn't even look back at who or what I had become in the process of that journey...a stranger.
They say it's lonely at the top because it's so crowded at the bottom, well, who really wants to be alone?
Then I opened my eyes and in front of me stood a mirror, only I didn't recognize the face.
I didn't recognize the personality or the entity that stood so majestically in front of me.
I became fearful of my own reflection; my own...destiny.
I have been told many times since childhood I am meant to be great.
Prophets, fortune tellers, spiritual leaders, strangers all explain this "presence" that I possess this "light" that I carry and this "purpose" that I must fulfill.
I always thought I knew what they meant, but it wasn't until I looked at that reflection that I TRULY understood.
And that's where the fear kicked in.
I was afraid because I was trying to go at it alone. I was trying to juggle my journey and my inner battles without the support of my parents, without {GOD} by my side.
We use to be so close. But the moment I took {GOD} out of the picture and started to become a narcissist, admiring my own reflection, my light dimmed.
Faded. Into darkness and there I was; left alone staring at a reflection that was now dull and lifeless.
Lost and empty.
I no longer lived up to my purpose or my name. I was told that my name is Hebrew and it means "to give light"; almost instantly after I found that out I felt special enough to try to do so, but my fear has been holding me back.
I am great.
I am beautiful.
I am capable of making a change in my life and the lives of others.
I am influential.
I am powerful.
I am a child of {GOD} that possess more light than I know what to do with it.
I am releasing doubt.
I am regaining my light.
I am standing above the ashes that have burned away with my past self-concept.
I am strong enough to make sacrifices that matter.
I am bold enough to take risks.
I am willing to make the change I want to become.
I am no longer afraid.
That is who "I" am and that is who "I" want to be.
