I have truly been Gone Since December, YET AGAIN. How did this happen so quickly?
It's barely still October
and yet I am just NOW awake.
I have NEEDED to sit still, but how can I? : when I am
over-booked,
and lacking in the "alone-time" department.
I am so drained.
I looked back at this year,
that was supposed to be a
YEAR of AWAKENINH....what a joke.
The Spring was spent in
misery and loneliness.
I was going through a metamorphasis.
FINALLY treating myself fairly enough NOT to kneel at the feet of depression.
I was not happy at all,
but I pulled through.
I had some tough times,
made decisions
further manipulating the course of my life,
but hey
I made it through.
I barely remembered May again! Another anniversary passed, at least this year we remembered. We were even out of town. We actually took what was supposed to be a vacation. Nice. Only to be overshadowed by the return home that so epically erased any progress we thought we made toward uncovering who we are as a couple. I think we are finally getting close; well the year is almost over...again. So I suppose these things just take time.
This summer I threw a series of parties that were so overshadowed by me running out of time that I forgot to focus on what was really happening.
Me leaving a job and re-discovering an old one in a new light.
My daughter is 2...already?
My mom was actually surprised this year;
Wow, my grandmother turned 80?
There goes my summer, gone in a flash.
Life will truly move on with or without your presence.
Holly's "tea-party" was such a blast...sike.
Her dad broke his ankle
and I was extremely unprepared. Holly looked like she had fun. I think. Maybe if the photographer took a picture of her "I" would know if she liked it or not.
I can't believe I missed her birthday this year. I mean I was there but, "I" wasn't.
Since I have been gone since December.
I love teaching. But I can't stand being the only person in the room that cares about trying to find that speck of existence that remains in life.
I like to find the relevance in life. But if my students don't care, then I can't stay stuck; and I didn't; so I moved on.
I'm still teaching, but instead of academics I'm focusing on a life skill. It's nice; to be able to exist in a place where I believe that what I am fostering actually matters. And I can enjoy being one with the nature I so anxiously crave. I love my job, I just hate being away from Holly.
She's even starting to notice now; and our daily separation KILLS me. The moment I come home she's in my arms amazed that "Mommy came back"! I melted inside myself to realize that she thinks we don't spend enough time together. I don't want to be a horrible mother, but I need to survive so back to work I go...
gone until December I suppose...or rather August. When my brother got married. That was a lot of work. I'm sure it was nice, too bad I could barely enjoy it. Didn't want a time-bomb to go off if any detail wasn't perfect. He seems happy, so I'm happy for him.
What happened in September? who knows. It went by too fast that's one thing that DID happen.
Here I am on a lovely November... spending time away from the "little-one" I miss, finally spending time with me for once. . .
Writing gives me that outlet to feel alive, to wake up, to be BACK again.
I don't want to be Gone until December; I want to live November and feel December; experience a new year and STAY awake.
But who am I kidding. The routine will always help to impede that from happening.
