Can't Love You {Sequel to "Not Sherlock Holmes"}

Chapter Eighteen

Veronica's POV

I stare at the purple flowers meant for me that Grace holds in her small, beautiful hands. She would've made a wonderful piano player. She shows them off to Will. I shake my head, but in my heart, something completely different is happening.

I look away.

I still walk around, making sure that everyone is alright, never really staying in one spot, but I am always aware of Benedict. Where he walks, if he can see me. I wonder what he sees. A commanding, bossy woman? A strong leader? A calloused female?

I walk a little too close to him as I pass, but he places a hand on my shoulder.

"Walk with me," he says. I waver, and he smiles sadly. "Please? We've hardly spoken. I want to hear you speak." Of course I'll stay, I think to myself. Because I have absolutely no willpower. I keep pace with him.

"You're limping," I comment. He shrugs.

"I'm keeping pace with everyone else."

"That's the most important thing." Silence swallows us. Still, it feels good just to be near him again. I want to slap myself out of the trance that he's now put me in, but I can't help it. I want to continue to be angry with him, but how can I?

They always said that once you give your heart to someone, you always care about them. I'm beginning to understand what that means.

"So what has happened in the last 10 years?" Benedict asks, almost playfully. My heart twinges at the mention of his long absense, but I pull myself together.

"Well, umm, lots of things..."

"That's specific."

"Well you can't expect me to just go into this long epic like nothing. I need to know where to start." He nods, but I notice a teasing smile playing on his lips. His ragged, slowly growing beard hides it for the most part, but I notice it. I notice everything.

"Umm, basically, things started really going downhill. We had some pretty bad winters where we thought we were going to die-"

"'We' as in you, Ian and Martin, no?" I nod.

"Correct. We teamed up with a lot of different people, but most of them died. Honestly, when I think back, I don't know how the three of us are still alive."

"I'm grateful you are," he says, and I smile.

"We are, too. Anyway, things never really went back to normal where government is concerned. Everything shattered, and when people don't have that authority to rely on, you know how things begin to crumble. Plus, we've had a really awful time with this group that's been going around called 'The Soldiers'."

"'The Soldiers'?"

"Yes. It's a terrible name, but bear with me. We've never actually come into contact with these people, but we come across half-crazed survivors who tell awful, awful stories. So these last several years have basically consisted of us avoiding 'The Soldiers' and surviving the terrible winters." Ben has a very strange, thoughtful look on his face. "What's the matter?"

"The matter? Oh, umm, nothing. I'm just... you know, thinking. Umm, so that's it, really?" I laugh.

"Yes, that's it. I mean, we've lost a lot of people. Martin lost Amanda, I'm sure you've heard." Ben nods sadly.

"I did. Such terrible news." He shakes his head. "He said you and Ian were never able to locate your parents." I shrug.

"There's no way to get to America. No way to contact them. What else can I do? I can't spend my days worrying about them. They're grown people... I'm sure they're fine." I can't help but notice the unsurety of my own voice.

"And what about you and Ian?" I stiffen up.

"Did Martin tell you about that?"

"No, no! He told me that some things happened, but, umm - he told me to ask you. That it would be best." My heart tears a bit, and Ben looks suddenly distraught. "Listen, don't tell me if you don't want to, I just-"

"No. I'll tell you," I interrupt. I sigh. "Things just... could never happen there. For a few reasons. Umm... Ian always got the impression that I only wanted to be with him because I was still trying to fill a void."

"A void?" Ben asks, confused. I laugh humorlessly.

"The void you left, Ben," I say, and he is suddenly serious.

"Oh-"

"And he didn't want to be your replacement. I had finally chosen him, after several years, and he gave up on me. We had just picked up Christy and her dad and sister, and he was immediately taken to her. And things just went downhill from there."

I still remember my hurt at having been rejected.

"Ian, I love you! I want to be with you!" I insisted, tears streaming down my face. But Ian held fast.

"You don't love me, Nica. You loved him. You loved that stupid man that you only knew for 2 days, and you never loved me. I don't want to be his replacement. I don't want you to kiss me and only think of him." I reached for him, but he backed away.

"Ian, please! I love you! Don't do this to me!" He shook his head.

"Nica, I wanted to be with you. I've always loved you."

"You said you'd wait for me!" I cried accusingly.

"Well a man can only wait for so long!" he had screamed back, and I fell to the ground, sobbing.

"Please, please, please Ian." He knelt down next to me and tenderly wrapped his arms around me.

"I've always loved you. I always will."

"Then why are you leaving me now!" I sputtered. "Why, when I chose you, I chose YOU!" I could barely talk. Tears were falling into my mouth, and I was drooling and water dripped from every opening of my face.

Ian wasn't repulsed by the sight, though. He took my wet, tear-stained face in his hands and kissed me one more time.

"I love you, Veronica. But I can't wait any more." And he stood up and left. I cried and cried and cried in the clearing where he left me. I cried for hours, and when I went back to camp, the sight of Ian laughing and smiling with Christy made me run back for the hills.

Martin eventually came and found me, and I cried to him for a long time. He didn't say a word. Only rocked me and stroked my back, and occasionally kissed my hair.

"It'll be okay, Nica," he'd whisper. "Everything will be okay."

"It's not okay right now," I hicupped. He continued to rock.

"But it will be someday. Don't worry. It will all go away."

My pain was his, and his was mine. We cried for each other in the middle of the forest, out of ear shot of the camp. I poured my heart out until there was nothing left; until I didn't feel anything at all.

"I-I... I'm sorry, Veronica." I see out of the corner of my eye that Benedict almost reaches for my hand, but he stops. It makes me sad. So I reach for his hand instead.

"It's alright. It's not okay right now, but it will be someday."