my faith in people is rather constant, only my faith is oh so low. i don't expect much. not out of misery nor hatred, but of lessons taught to a youthful girl far too early for no known reason.
i have been in a stream of disappointment since roughly the second grade. i learned of horrendous things and heartbreak of to which some remain unknown.
the tragedies faced and crude reality of my second grade self has seemed to truly set the stage for me now.
reoccurring events in any way related to this day, eight years later, cause tears to burn my eyes in a way unimaginable. the events i have yet to truly put any words to on paper, the greatest catastrophe that has snowballed since, no one knows.
no one knows the one case in which my breathing hitches and my eyes blur in half a second as the thought enters my head. the single worst thing to happen to me, words are unable to form. i do not wish for words to form on this subject, for i wish to forget and not let my worries live on.
but as a tiny thought enters my brain, just enough time to be comprehended, it is then tears fall. my breathing anything other than ritual. all energy drained as i stand, only able to fall to the floor in silent sorrow. i know these thoughts will never leave my side as they have yet to part since i was a young girl.
no one knows this tragedy, no one understands it. i am forced to be alone in a time i'm not sure i should. but this occurrence is now almost ritual, no matter what i do or who i happen to be with.
forever disconnected on a seemingly small event that came about eight years ago.
forever haunted by what i could have become had this never happened.
forever lusting over if someone knew, could i become better? get over it?
only optimistic thinking in that sense is not something i have grown to believe to be true.
s.d.
