Cherish || grayson dolan

fifty eight

Everyday feels slower and longer than the last. I thought this would be easier ... but it's not much. I haven't heard, spoken to, or seen Grayson since I left his house.

Part of me was hoping he'd run after me, tell me he's sorry and doesn't want us to end. Part of me was hoping at least he would call me or text me but no. The only time I have heard his voice was when I watched the newest Dolan Twin Tuesday video and it was literal torture.

Grayson had bags under his eyes and he looked worse than when I saw him at his house. He looked sick almost. His smiles were fake but it was definitely something you could only tell if you knew him on a personal level. You could tell he was trying really hard to be happy and positive. His voice cracked constantly and he sounded like he was losing it.

Part of me felt like he was this way because I had ended things. If that is the case and the reason why, I feel guilty but at the same time not so much. He is the one who didn't come after me or stop me when he had the chance.

I still love him and I don't see myself not loving him anytime soon. I can't believe this is real... us not being together. We had been for almost but not quite nine months. It's crazy to think that because it felt like yesterday I had just arrived here in New Jersey and told myself "No Boys." Why didn't I listen to myself?

My social media has blown up on people asking me if Grayson is okay and how he is doing. I don't think Grayson has told him we are actually broken up for real this time. I want to tell them but I know I have to ask him first.

I grab my phone and go under his contact name which is still Baby in my phone. I change it to Grayson Dolan before pressing on the message icon.

Me- Hey Grayson... hate to bother you but your friends are messaging me asking how you are. I'm guessing you haven't told them
we aren't together... so do I need to tell them or?

I put my phone on my bedside table as I go back to my laptop and finish my last day of school. I was suppose to finish last week but the past week has been so hectic it just wasn't going to happen. Around the time I am finished, I fist pump the air as my phone buzzes.

I pick it up and it's from Grayson.

Grayson Dolan- sorry bout that and no I have not. Feel free to tell them whatever you want because that's what Julia did.

I feel angry at his message. Is he comparing me to her?

Me- Are you really comparing me to her right now? The attitude isn't needed and all I did was ask if I could tell them because I'm tired of getting messages from them asking how you are.
Grayson Dolan- Did I say I was comparing you? No. Go ahead that's fine I just didn't have it in my to tell them considering they probably wouldn't believe me.
Me- You don't have to say you are comparing me to her for me to know you are. You made it pretty obvious and I think that hurts more than anything. Bye Grayson.

I roll my eyes as I go onto twitter to type up a tweet.
I ponder on what to say as I am
pretty furious right now and my mind is all over. I think being compared to her is worse than anything that has happened because of her. I know I am not like her.

I go and type a tweet and take a deep breath as my fingers type against my phone.

'@haydenforest_: ‪Just wanted to come on here and say that Grayson and I are no longer together. He had me tell you guys because he is afraid you wouldn't-
@haydenforest_: ‪believe him after everything. I would really appreciate if you guys dm me, to not ask me how he is because I really don't know. It's been - ‬
@haydenforest_: ‪hard for both of us is all I can say. But yes we are no longer together. if you want to know how he is, ask him or Ethan. thank you for - ‬
@haydenforest_ understanding. xoxo- h. '

Almost immediately, text's from people like Haylee, Cami, my sister, my mom, Clay, and even some of Grayson's friends, blown up my phone. I decide to leave it alone and get back to them later. I need a breather.

I walk to Emercyn's to see her with her laptop in her lap and her headphones in her ears. When she sees me, she pauses whatever she was doing and takes out of her earbuds.

"What's up, H?" She asks.

"Do you maybe want to go for a walk with me? I want some fresh air but I don't want to go alone." I tell her. She nods her head and tells me to give her five so she can get ready.

I walk down stairs and wait by the door for her, putting on my adidas tubular adidas. When she comes down we walk outside and the warm air hits our skin. Summer is finally here.

It's crazy to think that a year ago, I was on my way here. I'd be arriving here and getting ready to go to the beach. I would be meeting everyone. Meeting Grayson.

"I saw your tweets. Are you okay?" Emercyn asks cautiously. I nod my head not really knowing what to say because I'm not okay and she knows that.

I think what really hurts is giving someone your all and then being compared to someone who did them wrong. Emercyn doesn't know he did that and I wont tell her. She'll be furious and go off on him and neither of us need to see that. I wish things could be different but I couldn't put myself through that pain of not knowing how Grayson felt or what he wanted anymore.

Theres a sickening feeling in my stomach as I think back to last summer and how amazing it was. The adventures, being here with Em, the crazy fun times with the twins and hanging out in LA. It scares me that maybe this summer wont be as fun and eventful.

"Hayden I need to tell you something." Emercyn says, fiddling with her hands.

"What?"

"Grayson was suppose to tell you but you two aren't speaking. Ethan was going to tell you but he's scared to upset you and I think it's wrong of neither of them to tell you so I am." She says all in one breath really fast.

She's really confusing me so I stop in our tracks and turn her towards me. I give her a weird look, not knowing what she was talking about. All I can think about is what is about to come out of her mouth.

"Em?"

"Hayden, this is what is best for them and their career-"

"Please, get to the point." I say interrupting her. I immediately feel guilty for it but I brush it aside. I'm tired of everyone hiding things.

"The twins are moving. To LA permanently in two days." She says. I'm not as shocked as she probably thought I would have been.

Them moving to LA permanently was something that even a dog could have told you was going to happen. Their subscriber count is rising, they have been offered loads of things. This doesn't come as a surprise as much as it hurts that Grayson didn't tell me they would be leaving so soon.

"Aren't you shocked?" Emercyn asks.

"I mean yeah because Grayson didn't tell me they were leaving this soon. Not because they are moving." I tell her. She nods her head and we begin to walk in silence again.

After making our rounds around the neighborhood and passing the Twin's house, I go up to my room and lay down, wanting the rest of the day to get over with.