Inside My Head

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Dean's POV

As I unlock my locker and head to first period I notice an unusual silence toward my left. Carly has skipped school again and I feel my heart break just a little. Sitting in first block without her leaves me with an emptiness in my heart. I feel pathetic for entrusting her with so many of my feelings. I give her my heart but somehow I forget to tell her about the terms and conditions. There seems to be an everlasting struggle between the two of us. Me being passive yet aggressively wanting more and her just existing to make us happy.

I feel guilty every day. I feel guilty for wishing that there could be more between me and Carly, I feel guilty for hoping that she could get better just so that she can be with me. I feel guilty for putting my feelings before Carly's. I can tell she's trying so hard. Somehow I can't seem to accept that. I want more form her. I should let her be herself. She's trying so hard. Somehow I can't seem to just let her be. And that makes me feel so guilty.

"Dean," the teacher calls snapping me back to school. Back to the real world.

"Here," I mumble in response. I day dream all though first block. About the relationship that I want between Carly and me, about one day getting out of this place and becoming someone, or something. I daydream about her.

As the bell rings I pack my things and head to P. E. I should be excited because we get to scrimmage today but my mind is elsewhere. As I head to lunch I think about calling Carly. I decide to hold off on the off chance she answers and I need to have time to think of a neutral conversation topic. Ugh, dealing with all of this has caused a big upset in my life. I wish that she would just get with me and get over herself.

Snap out of it Dean I harshly remind myself. I need to get ahold of myself. She is dealing with something more than I can even think to deal with. She is dealing with a lot. I just need to calm down and behave myself.

___________

As I hop on the bus and put my headphones in my ears I feel an immediate escape. I am so happy that I don't have to try and interact with anyone. Riding the bus brings me back to freshman year.

(Flashback)

"Oh my God, STAAAHP!" Carly manages between breaths as I tickle her on the bus. I love how close we have become in the last couple of months. She is the most amazing girl I have ever had the chance to interact with. I throw my head back in deep laughter. I love her so much. It makes me sad to realize that she isn't mine to keep. I am reminded quickly that she isn't mine as her cell phone goes off and she goes ghostly pale. As she checks the message that she got sent I have to pretend like I am not jealous.

She tries to change the subject after replying hastily to whoever messaged her. We awkwardly carry on the conversation.

"So I heard that Elisa kind of has the hots for Y-O-U," Carly whispers in my ear while spelling out the last word. I laugh a little at her childlike behavior. She then begins poking my chest. "Well, mister do you like her too?" She says the last part rather quickly before a slight blush reaches her cheek. I see her apprehension towards the subject and joke it off.

"Carly, I think I see a..a...a spider," I tease her lightly.

She doesn't move before she belts out the quickest and most high pitched scream I have ever heard. The bus driver yells at her for being loud and a few of the upperclassmen turn to us.

"Shh.."I tease her again. "It was just a joke,"

We sit for almost half of the ride in silence. I want to say something but I don't want to mess up this easiness between us. Just as we turn onto her street I steal a glance at her face. She looks at me in her peripheral vision. I look away. Just before the bus driver stops at her stop she begins to speak.  "I really miss my mom, and I wanted to thank you for being here for all of this. You've really been a great friend. Through all of this,"

She stands to get up and I move with her so she can get out. I sit back in my seat disappointed in myself.

Friend.

A great friend. That's all I'll ever be, and I thought somewhere that we were moving from here. I thought that we had reached that point in our relationship.

I had thought.

_____

"It's your stop man," Steven one of my bus friends wakes me up. I am thankful for the jolt of reality in my sea of dreams. It is all I seem to be doing lately. As I hop off the bus I momentarily think of walking the six blocks to Carly's house, but decide that a text message would be a much better idea.

I message her about herself.

she left me, for him

I'm left again, with no reply and no answer. Nothing from her. This makes me so mad. I go to my room and watch some cartoon before calling it a night. I have gotten over the rejection from Carly. Elisa and I have set up a movie date soon. I hope that I can enjoy it.

_____________

Just a I am drifting off to sleep I get a call from Carly.

"I think it's all happening again," She sobs a little and I hear her stumbling in the background. I know I need to do something but I cant bring myself to reply.

I've been cooperating with her and her going off on these random ass tangents every other day but I really don't have time for her. Dealing with her is becoming a hassle and I don't know if the money is even worth it at this point. I feel that somehow this life style that I have chosen, this whole best friend who sort of secretly likes you but doesn't want to damage your already broken soul is not working any longer. I am trying so hard to not drive myself crazy, but having all of these thoughts in my mind everyday is a little extreme. Somehow I can relate to Carly in an ever deeper way. I have felt how she is feeling before, but somehow I think although the pain is the same it can't be dealt with in the same way. My everlasting love for her has created a type of vortex. Somehow I think that maybe I can't be what she needs, and that makes me sad.

So I just sit there. And I listen to her cry and sniffle and ask if I'm there and I hear the rain start up again. I hear her cry and cry and ask that I say something. I sit silently and listen to her cry. I hear her ask desperately that I reply or help her. But I can't do that. I don't think I can put myself through that. I set my phone on my bedside table and put it on speaker. I hear her continue to cry and plea for me to say something but I sit silently.

Sometime between then and now I fell asleep...and when I wake..

I felt no guilt.