Inside My Head

Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Carly's POV

I've given myself completely to him.

Once again.

I know he loves me. I know it, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to give himself completely to me.

We've been laying on the floor of his parent's house for a while. He's shirtless and I'm barely decent, laying on his belly. I've missed this easiness between us. It's crazy how much things can change in a couple of weeks, days, hours even. I think that things will go back to normal now that he knows I love him.

But I think that this easiness between us may have always been there. I remember as children we would vacation together at the Hampton's. And as his grandfather’s cancer spread we started vacationing closer to home. First Key west, the Hilton Head then not at all. The summers always left things so easy. There was nothing to be expected, just fun to be had. And as I grew up and I left the beach reserved for such fun he let things spiral out of control. He used to tell me how he loved me and how he hoped things would never change. But we’re grown up now. Big girls and boys with problems that we never could have imagined.

It got bad that one summer. The one where we went to the lakehouse. The lakehouse that holds the memories that we have forgotten ourselves. I think it started with Trevor. I met him the summer before when I was working at the restaurant down in Hilton Head. He took me for drinks and showed me the other side of life. The side Dean never could. I loved him so. I don’t’t even know what led me to that point. The loss of my mothers love and affection or of Dean’s trust. I didn’t mean for it all to happen, but the summers weren’t the same and I had to try and make them them. I missed him so. I loved him. I still love him. But he doesn’t love me. Or miss me like I miss him. I think that another time maybe even in another life things would have worked. But they didn’t. And it makes me so mad to think that thebreaking point was so close to the saving grace.

________

I remember it clearly. I remember it so vividly. The colors almost seem neon, they are blinking in bright blue and red lights. Like a rhythm. But I’m getting ahead of myself. It didn’t start then. It was before. That Tuesday. That day. The Tuesday that would have marked the 3 year anniversary of his grandfathers death. The sacredness of the day still seemed to amaze me but it remained none the less. He told me he was happy we could spend this time together. After that day at school I headed to his house. He hadn’t attended the day at school since fourth grade and the teachers had expected his absence. When I was about half way down the street to his house I heard a certain thumping. I was a little surprised at this noise. Usually the Cameron’s held a small ceremony together where they would remember their grandfather and all the good that he did.

But this music wasn’t right. It sounded tribal. Scary. Not for the Cameron’s. I ran the rest of the way to his house. And even now I remember the immense terror I felt. I thought they really were in serious danger. I was so worried. I was afraid. I loved Dean so and it made me sad that he couldn't be there with me. I feel so bad for what I did.

______

I bring myself back.

I'm running now. Rememering my past always stirs up the same feelings. I am going to run until I can’t feel it anymore. Staying here won’t help anyone. I'm going. I am running. I am going to run and run and run. Until it hurts.

Because I hurt. I hurt so bad.

I can’t tell how long I’ve been running but I feel myself crying and aching. I speed up. I don’t wanna cry.  I am not the type to cry. I will NOT cry.

Faster. Faster I run. My muscles ache and up ahead I see a park. The one we used to spend endless after noons hanging out at. I keep running. Out of this town. That’s where I need to be. 

I remember running. Running away. Running. And Running. Left right left right.I feel the blisters. I wish I had some shoes. Run harder. Harder. I’m running.

I remember running. I remember the lights. Why did I have to do that?

Why can’t I just be

normal?

-I remember running.

And

I must have run all the way across town. Because now I am at her house. Begging her to come with me. Begging that she will be crazy with me. Experience this with me. Please. I take her hand and run. Because I remember running.   

And I think I remember her coming with me. She trusts me. She wants me to get well because all I can remember is running.

It just hurts so bad to participate and I think that somehow she knows how I feel because she just runs with me. And we keep going until we can go no further.

Running.

A/N: Hey guys! I hope you like this chapter. It's crazy the type of inspiration you get right before you drift into a dreamless sleep. I think this story may be coming to a close soon. I just wanted to let you guys know that. Voting always makes me happy and maybe if someone left a comment or something. That would be awesome! Besides that I hope your weekend starts with a SHABANG!! (: