I feel almost nauseous all the time. Because having constant butterflies can take a toll on your body after a while. Being away from him at all leaves me feeling anxious, I don't feel whole anymore. Is it supposed to be this way? Am I supposed to feel like this?
The one thing I am sure of is that he is my missing piece and the way I'm feeling right now is indescribable. I think when I write in my diary and I will read it back later in my future I won't be able to understand.
That's okay though. This feeling is something that comes once in a lifetime. I want to remember what this feels like.I want a permanent memory
I slam my diary shut and open my laptop and google the nearest tattoo parlour. I know exactly what I want and where I want it.
I am so sure of the thing I want on my body forever.It came to me in an instant. I dial the number on the contact page and make an appointment.
I tell Layla in secret as I will need someone to support me and hold my hand.
As Shawn has come into my life he has made me realize how vibrant and bright I am, how my future is bright, He inspires me to shine every day. He has given me this new beautiful perspective on life. He has lit up my whole life.
As I lay down on my side the pain that is about to endure on my ribcage will remind me of this light I feel and always want to feel. Whether he is with me for a long time or not I want this to remind me.I will carry this message with me forever with a reminder of my light in the darkest of times. He has illuminated me, and I will know that forever.
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I needed to find some way to show him, I know he will probably be overwhelmed and think I'm crazy but that's okay. I am a little crazy.
The next day:
Shawn was busy yesterday and I'm really sore from the needles that pressed into my skin the day before. I have a whole week off school and Shawn leaves for his tour the Monday next week while I am back at school.
I've met his family now I need to bring my second home to my first home. We are road tripping to a small town around 2 hours away from Toronto.
Moving away to go to school was the hardest decision of my life because I hated leaving my dad. Besides my dog, Roofus, He doesn't really have anyone.
I don't have a mother, she left me when I was 6 months old. I'm lucky enough to have one parent that loves me endlessly. I have so many unsorted questions about her. I know I won't ever have the answers but 19 years later I still ask God why did she not love me. I have so much anger in me when I think about her leaving her own daughter. What could she be doing better than raising her own little girl? It makes me feel worthless thinking how I don't have a mom like everyone else because she didn't think I was enough.
My dad and I hardly talk about her, we never really could. it always ended in a huge argument.
I've loved having a dad but as much as Shawn is my missing piece, the puzzle piece of my mother will never be fulfilled. I have this little dark spot in my heart that will never be the coloured in. I have no control.
But I'm excited to be home, a house not this small apartment. The quiet, peacefulness of cars only passing at times. The busyness of the city gets me overwhelmed and exhausted.
I know my dad will freak out when he finds out but I intend on keeping it a secret between me and Shawn for a while.
