Army Strong

35)Damned

In that night, none of us had any sleep. It's crazy how fast it gets cold out there. We were cuddling against each other, shaking. By the middle of the night, we had to move because the wind was just so strong we were basically being buried alive in the sand. It was a hell of a night.

Our location was pretty fucked up. Our base was deep in the desert, near Iraq's border. About 100km east, we had the Euphrates river. We were supposed to reach Aleppo. You see, that's on the north. We were on the south-eastern part, with a 500,000 square kilometers desert in front of us, a little bottle of water, no car... Unfortunately, we were counting with that car and ended up packing the FSR (First Strike Ration). The name says it all... First Strike... It was designed to be consumed in the first 72h of combat, not for a whole damn month! The plan was to reach Damasco and refill. We wouldn't even take a day to get there! It should take us about 6/7 hours, driving at about 50km/h. Not having a ride changed the whole plan. You see, with a car, you cover about 300km in half a day, no problem. But on your feet? Well... We were trained to go and run 8km in less than 1h. Math done, we would have to walk for 37,5h straight. That is assuming we would keep a steady pace, in the desert, with the heat and all the dunes and just the exhaustion... It wasn't looking bright for us at all! And all this shit kept me up all night. I had brought them into this. I had to find a way to get them out, alive and in one piece.

I must have slept for about 30 minutes. The sun was still pretty low, when Richard woke us up aggressively.

-Get the fuck up, goddammit! They're on my tail!-His shirt was off, he was sweating and looking exhausted.

-Where did you go?-I asked him as I rubbed my eyes, sleepy as fuck. He was gonna answer when someone fired from distance, right above my head. We all got low right away.

-What the fuck?!-Taylor screamed, pissed.-What did you do?!

-Do you really wanna discuss that now?!-He screamed right back.

-Enough!-I warned them.-Clark, Hunter and Parker fire back. Taylor, get the sniper ready.-They obeyed.-Rich, how many of them?

-I have no idea!

-Well, think! Give me a number!

-I don't know, Jones! I saw about 10 of them.

-Let's make them 20 then. Where did you find them?

-I HAVE NO IDEA! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD HERE, REMEMBER?!-I looked him in the eyes. Oh man, I swear I was about to hit him!

-It's ready, boss!-Taylor handed it to me.

-Clark!-He looked at me. I threw it to him. He grabbed it and smiled a lot.-Richard and Taylor, take their places. Hunter you're with him.- I handed him the binoculars.-Fuck off the 2 of you!-They headed off as we covered them, running up to high ground.

It didn't take long until we controlled the situation, killing all of them. They were only 7 after all. Nobody said a word. Killing someone never gets easy. At least for me, it never did. We walked towards nowhere, in silence. If during the night, it was cold as fuck, now it was so hot I could feel my blood boiling under my skin.

There was only sand in the horizon, not a single noise but our breathing getting faster and faster. My mind started to wonder. I mean, it's pretty sad. We all think we're fighting for what's right... But I guess Richard was right. Nobody was innocent there anymore. What gives me the right to steal someone's life? Why did it have to go down like that? I kept feeling this delusional guilt! I knew it was either kill or get killed but deep down, I wished there was another way.

-You look troubled...-Hunter whispered. When I looked to him, our eyes met. God only knows for how long he had been staring.

-I'm just hot-I joked, hiding my real feelings.

-I don't think that's the truth. We'll get there... And when it's all over, everything will make sense.

-I know.

-I can't trust you if you keep doubting yourself.-He said, looking me in the eyes and then raised his pace, getting ahead of me. I didn't answer.

Silence. It was haunting us. It's hard to stay positive when all you wanna do is give up. It was impossible not to think of those we had back home. Fuck! I missed my mom more than I ever thought I could! We were supposed to be home but instead we were in the middle of the desert, risking our lives for people we didn't even know! I couldn't help but wonder... Was it worth it? My mom, back home, was probably grieving my loss by then. I felt overwhelmed by fear. God only knew how was she handling and dealing with it! She always said she'd only be at my funeral if it was hers too. So, I couldn't stop questioning... Was it really worth it? The risk of losing my mom just to save somebody I didn't even know? They teach you family is everything but then they make you choose between your blood and your loyalty! I never realized how much she really meant to me, but I was there and I was absolutely sure there was nothing in this world more important than getting back to her. I regretted taking the mission the moment I stepped outside the base but the damage was already done. 

We were lost in battle. It was crystal clear for all of us what it really meant. Better death than failure. That was the truth behind the boss' words. He would rather have us dead than coming back without them. We were never leaving Syria if we didn't bring them back alive! That's what it really meant! The only way we could go back home was by succeeding in a suicidal mission!

I had this growing rage flowing through my veins, blurring my vision, twisting my mind. I couldn't even think right! They had sent us to certain death! They had set us up! It was either die trying or suicide! I didn't see any of us making it out alive!  And to make it all worst, they pushed the blame all on my shoulders! I had chosen my team! I basically forced them to be there! Most of them didn't even have a choice!

How the fuck was I supposed to deal with it?! I never felt so fucking pissed in my whole life! I just wanted to tear down everything around me! Because deep down, I knew I was never forced to do anything! I stepped outside the base on my own! I knew exactly what I was heading for and I still took the jump because my heart once again spoke louder than my mind! I literally wanted to punch myself in the face!

Once the rage was gone, this helpless feeling took over me. I was almost 100% sure we weren't making it out alive and it was too late to back down. How the hell do you lead those you love into certain death? The guilt was consuming me, second after second, hour after hour, day after day. I had no hope left. Inside I was torn apart but on the outside, as always, I was an emotionless rock.

I wanted to give up. I wanted to send it all to hell! Fuck! I just wanted to catch a boat or something and head back home on my own! Fuck all that shit! It all felt pointless anyway...

The sun was high in the sky when we decided it was time to take some rest, drink some water, have something to eat. I sat down in the hot sand as the burning sun kissed my skin. I was exhausted, I didn't want to get back up. I didn't even feel like eating at all! There wasn't a drop of motivation in me anymore. I had no idea how I would get back on my feet... Or if I ever would...