Army Strong

17)The thought

-It's okay. I still know my way back. You guys enjoy the rest of the evening.- I answered Taylor and left. As I was turning the corner, he called me, running to me.

-Jones! I'm taking you home-He smiled to me.

-Alright, I guess...-I kept walking in silence. Taylor and I never really talked about things. Time just went by and both of us acted like we didn't feel anything for each other.

-So... Are you nervous?

-About?

-About all this... We're going away for three months, to a war zone... I'm gonna be honest, I'm shitting my pants!

-No, Taylor. I'm not nervous. I ain't got a reason to be.-I shoved my hands inside my pockets, calmly.

-Yeah, besides dying or getting really hurt... What reason could you have?

-You too?-I sighted.-You're starting to sound like my mother. Jeez!

-Be honest! You're really not worried?

-No!-I stopped and stared at him.-I mean... There's obviously something, this feeling in my gut... But it's not fear. If I had to call it something, I'd call it excitement!

-Excitement?!-He was shocked.

-Look! This is the reason why I applied in first place! Ever since I was just a newbie... This is what I've been working so hard for! So, yes, I'm excited. I can't wait!-I giggled and kept walking.

-You're crazy... You can only be crazy!-He laughed.

-Don't worry, man!-I tapped his shoulder.-We're going in the company of the best. Those guys have got your back. They'd die for you, believe me.

-I know that... I just... I don't know, Ellie... I've got my parents here, my girlfriend...-I literally chocked with my own saliva when he mentioned his girlfriend. I had no idea!

-Well... Yeah... But we're all coming back. We'll be 3 months away! It's not like this is the last time we're seeing them!-I faked a laugh.

-You don't even take this seriously!-He stopped, mad.-You're acting like a kid right now. You don't even acknowledge that this is not a fucking game, this is not just another drill! This is real and we can die!

-See you around, Taylor.-I kept walking and went back home.

My mom was still not around, which didn't surprise me. Knowing her as well as I did, she probably would sleep at Sue's, our neighbor. I was so tired, I didn't even bother. 

I was going to war and everyone was giving me shit! I really couldn't wait to be in that helicopter! I knew they were just worried but well, it was my life on the line, not theirs! I'm sorry but my mom specially was really selfish. I would deny it with my life but I was nervous. Who wouldn't be?! I was not afraid to die. I was afraid to live. I wasn't afraid to fight. I was afraid of not being able to! What scared me wasn't the fact that I could end up dead.  What really scared me were the stories we hear old men telling every single day. What made me shit my pants was the fact that I could go with my boys and come back home all alone.

I didn't want to die. I knew I still had a lot to live... But death didn't scare me anymore. Of course I wanted to come back home, to see my mom again, to be able to just come back... But to be honest, I wasn't sure if it was worth coming back. All those PTD's stories, the nightmares and the constant guilt. I knew where I was going, I was gonna lose people. We weren't living a movie! Our team wouldn't come back... At least not all of us. We were gonna lose people. It was inevitable. Just like we lost Louis... I still couldn't help but blame myself for that.

The death of Louis was a huge twist in the whole story. I always blamed myself and the rest of the team did the same. Not long ago I had found Samuel quit the army and Mike was kicked out. That's how much it affects us. It's never easy to lose a brother... In our case, we didn't know Louis that well and he didn't mean to me half of what these boys mean. However we tried so hard for him... We thought he was out of danger! We did everything we could, we pushed ourselves as far as we could go and we handed him to who was supposed to save his life... Then all of a sudden, after every fucking thing we did, God kicked us in the face and said "Try harder next time"! We thought we had saved him! We thought he would be okay! We were so fucking sure! Then just like that, he's dead...

The guilt never goes away. The pain never leaves. Every day you wake up and maybe it's not the first thing in your mind anymore, but eventually, at some point of the day, something will remind you of it and it's like you get crushed against the fucking floor! Eventually, some days you won't even remember anymore... Somehow you manage to dodge the bullet for a whole week! You're feeling on top of the world! But then it finds and oh boy, when it finds you... It's even worse. It's like that bullet had been gaining momentum the whole damn week! And when it hits you, it throws you right off of that mountain you've been climbing. You hit the floor so hard you can't even get up. But you do. There's nothing else you can do but to get back up. And then it starts all over again.

Louis had such a big impact on me and I didn't even know him. I could only imagine how I'd feel if I lost one of my boys... I could only imagine how I'd feel when I lost one of my boys... It was inevitable. I knew I was gonna lose people. I just didn't know how the hell I was supposed to keep living knowing I couldn't save them! That's what really fucking scared me! And that was exactly what I couldn't tell anyone. Not even my boys... Because deep down, I knew they were fearing the thought just as much as I was... The thought of coming home with a part of us missing.