Army Strong

39)Change of plans

We thanked the people from the village for the hospitality and left as fast as possible. Being there for too long was equally a danger to us and to them. Helping American soldiers was like the worst sin to them or something like that. I never really understood. All I knew is that they wouldn't bother killing the whole damn village, women and children included. So we got back in the desert. From that village to where we were supposed to be should be an easy task.

The silence was deafening. The misery was starting to affect us as well. When we think about war, we imagine bullets flying all around and screaming, blood and guts, a leg over there and watch out! A grenade!... But that's Hollywood bullshit. To be honest, a part of me wished it was like that, like in the movies, but it was not. Everything we were witnessing, that was the cold truth of what the war really is. The constant fear, the constant feeling in your gut that some motherfucker is gonna jump out of no fucking where and shove a bullet up somebody's ass! Exhaustion, thirst, hunger, panic, silence, paranoia... That's what the war really feels like. You find yourself relieved when you hear shooting! Because at least, you know where they are and you're not constantly pulling out your own hair trying to keep your eyes all over the place.

There's something about the vibe you get on the battlefield that I can't really put out here in words. It's just so much... And I don't think anyone can ever get over it. The war takes something from everybody. Some of us lose friends, some of us lose body parts, some of us lose our lives but all of us lose a bit of our soul. The moment you step in the battlefield, a part of you will never leave that place. A part of you will always be fighting that war, whatever it is. And yes, some of us do go back home and feel alright... But that part of our souls, it's never coming back. The things you see, the things you have to do! It fucks you up! You may recover and go back home and rebuild your life and everything feels fine but eventually, it will creep on you during the night and you'll realize that part of you you thought was lost is right there! It was never lost, it's rotten but it's right there with you! And you'll fear holding your lover... Because the hands that caress that body are the same that strangled somebody to death. You'll fear carrying your kids on your shoulders... Because the last person on your shoulders was a dying buddy that never made it out. You'll fear looking your family in the eyes... Because you don't want them to see what you see when you look yourself in the mirror. You'll fear laughing... Because it only took a few laughs and next thing you know there's a buddy legless and other dead. You'll fear talking with your neighbors... Because you know it only takes a few words to set you off. You'll fear the night... Because it brings back that burning feeling of knowing in your guts they're somewhere watching you, ready to score like your buddies' heads are targets in a fucking video game! You'll fear yourself! Because you know the knowledge you have is deadly and the control of your own body is a thin rope! Because you know you're nothing but a loaded gun with a sensitive trigger!  You're cutting the lawn and you just stepped on dog shit and that's enough to set you off and you fear the day your fists will find their way to those you love the most instead of the wall! You'll hate yourself! Because you know you're nothing but a war machine and you can't remember how to do anything besides killing and you know no matter how small you make yourself, you'll never fit a normal lifestyle ever again! You'll hate your friends and everybody around you... Because you relieve everything you've done every night, every family you terrorized, every person you killed, every person you weren't able to save, every buddy lost, every kid you left without a father and it weights you down like an anchor but still, everybody treats you like you're a fucking hero! And you keep that fake smile because you're so happy to be home near those you love the most but a part of you wishes you had died back in that shithole...

But the worst, the absolute worst isn't wanting to paint the walls with your brains every single night... The worst feeling in the world is not being afraid to die. The moment there's a gun to your forehead and you don't even blink, that's the weirdest feeling of all... You genuinely do not give a flying fuck if you live or die. You feel more for the gun to your buddy's head than for the one on your own. That's the definition of fucked up. I never in my life felt anything like that. Anything! It's like you've lost all hope. There's no fire in you anymore. It goes against everything we're programmed for. Even animals fear death. We were meant to be afraid of being hurt, of dying! But you get to a point where you've lost so fucking much, including yourself, you've gave so much to the war that there's nothing else! And you don't even think about your family anymore.  You've been so close to dying so many times that your heart doesn't even speed up anymore. And in your head it's pretty much like "Here we go again" and that's all. If you don't die, great! Tomorrow you'll have another shot. And if you die, well too bad, game over. The calm with which you face the situation sends a crazy shiver down your spine but you only feel the adrenaline kicking in once you're safe because while your life is actually hanging on by a thread you feel nothing at all! How fucked up is that?! Pretty fucked up but that's when you know you are finally Army Strong.

*****************************************************

-Do you think we're still far?-Taylor asked.

-I have no idea where we're going ever since we left the base!-Clark joked.-But sure! If we keep walking, Imma get home by my own feet!

-We're pretty close now...-I said, quietly, trying not to set Parker off.

-You've been saying that ever since we left the base!-Clark joked once again.

-That's because the only thing she knows how to do is lie!-Parker stopped and turned back to face me.-Ain't that right, Jones?-I didn't answer him. I just looked at him, then lowered my eyes and walked right pass him.

-Anyway...-Hunter tried to smooth things.-We can't be too far now. Do you have the details of where or who they are?

-No, I don't...

-Obviously!-Parker interrupted me.-You just drive us into a dead trap! Isn't killing Richard enough?!- I took a deep breath and ignored him again.

-I have orders to, once we reach the place, ask around and...

-Did you have orders to kill Richard as well?!-He interrupted me again.-I hope you did... For your own sake! Because I'm gonna finish you once this is all done!

-And then we'll get info. Those are my orders. Once we find the house, we're supposed to...

-Kill the rest of us?! Are those your orders, Jones?!-He was literally starting to get on my nerves. I took a deep breath.

-Guess what, Parker? You just got yourself a promotion. Buttocks' guard. I want you about...

-I don't give a flying fuck about what you want, Jones!

-50 meters behind us.-I clenched my fist.

-No. I'm not doing it. You're not the boss anymore. You never were!

-Alright.-I gave him a little smile and kept walking, in silence. Taylor soon stepped up his pace to keep up with me. I was pissed and walking like it was my last day on earth.

-Jones!-He touched my shoulder.-Jeez! Slow down. Are you alright?

-I'm good.

-The truth now, please.

-I'm good. I'm just worried about the structure, you know? I mean... Parker has all the right to be mad at me, I'm mad at myself! But still... We don't have a leader right now and I'm afraid he'll do something stupid like do shit upside down and get us all killed in that house or whenever they are. Respect and trust have never been so important and to be honest, I know I lost yours. I just don't want it to go terribly wrong.

-That's not the truth, Jones...

-It is, Taylor. That guy is not gonna do anything I tell him to. I'm even afraid he'll backstab me because right now, he hates me! And his head is burning. All the sun on it is not helping as well... I do not see this ending well... At least not for me.

-I got your back, Jones.-He looked me in the eyes.

-I know, Taylor. Which only makes it even more dangerous. For that reason, you're gonna punch me in the face and knock me out right now.

-What?!-He was shocked.

-You said you've got my back. So please, take the leadership the hard way because if I give it to you, he won't buy it.

-Do you even realize what you're asking me right now?

-I trust you, Taylor...