Army Strong

38) Boots and Blood

I woke up late in the next day. The sun was high in the sky. The boys were still sleeping. I didn't bother waking them up. Richard's bed was empty. It didn't surprise me. I got up and went to the bathroom to wash my face. The door was slightly open, the lights were on. I thought it was a little weird but oh well. I pushed the door open without thinking twice. I found Richard's lifeless body hanging from the roof. Oh man... I was actually considering apologizing to him.

I was shocked. I closed the door behind me and just sat on the floor, not knowing what to do. I never thought he would actually do it! I felt so guilty... Man, Richard was a prick but Taylor was right. It was just the pressure... I didn't even react! I had no idea how to! All I knew was that Rich was dead and it was nobody's fault but mine.

After a few minutes just sitting there, I finally gathered the courage to lower his body. He was cold and stiff. He was long gone when I found him... I walked back to the room and woke up the boys.

-Dammit, Jones!-They complained.-It's too soon.

-Yeah, well, Richard is dead.-I told them coldly as I picked up a blanket.

-What?!-They asked shocked. Taylor looked down.

-What do you mean?!-Parker got up, with tears in his eyes.

-I found him dead in the bathroom. He hung himself.-Taylor punched his pillow, got up and left, pissed. I had lost his respect. Clark followed him right after. Parker was crying his eyes out and Hunter was staring at me, shocked.-I'm gonna burry him now. I'll be outside if you want to join us.-I walked back to the bathroom and dragged Richard's body outside.

I couldn't even find a fucking shovel in that place. I had to dig with my own damn hands. As I was digging his grave, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn't believe I had one of my brothers' blood on my hands. I couldn't stop blaming myself because well, it was indeed my fault. The tears were rolling down my cheeks as I was giving everything I had to dig that fucking hole.

He died thinking I hated him! I loved him! Goddamn it, I loved him like he was my brother! I was mad and I said things I didn't mean! I thought... I took him for guaranteed. I thought I had plenty of time to tell him he didn't have to go... But it was too late then. I had to take a break. I was on my knees, crying uncontrollably. The guilt was tearing me apart. I then felt a hand on my shoulder. As I looked back, I saw the village's leader. He gave me a reassuring smile and showed me the 2 shovels he had brought. I took a deep breath and grabbed one. He helped me dig the grave. Then he helped me burry Richard.

We laid him in the hole. It didn't feel real... His beautiful, pale face looked so peaceful... I couldn't believe he was really dead. My heart broke completely right there. I put my hand in his chest, kneeling besides his body.

-I'm sorry, Richard...-I put his gun by his side and ripped off his dog tag. I looked at it. After so many fucking years, that was the only thing his family was ever getting back. That dog tag was the only thing his family would have to grieve him. If that ain't fucked up, I don't know what it is. I put it on my pocket and buried him with the village's leader help. He then left. I just sat there for a little longer.

How the fuck was I supposed to tell his family he was dead? I mean... The rest of the boys were definitely making it. We were halfway there... The worst was still to come but if we had made it through the fucking desert, we were definitely making it through the rest. What the fuck was I supposed to tell Richard's family when they started seeing everybody but him?! How the fuck was I supposed to tell them he committed suicide?! And how the fuck was I supposed to tell them he did it because I fucking forced him to?!

-It's fucked up...-Hunter sat by my side, making me snap out of my thoughts and wipe my tears right away. I cleared my voice.

-Yes, it is. Specially because we're smaller now.-I tried to sound as cold as I possibly could.

-Drop that attitude... Please!-He looked me in the eyes.-Nobody believes it anymore...-I looked away.- What happened? How did this happen? I mean... I never thought Richard would...

-He was weak. I gave him a choice and he took the easiest way out.-I said, coldly. Anger was starting to replace the sadness I felt. Hunter looked at me confused. I sighted.-I told him he could either leave, kill himself or I'd kill him.

-You what?!-I heard Parker behind me. I got up right away. He was about to break my face, that I knew for sure!-YOU FUCKING BITCH!-He tried to jump on me but Hunter didn't allow him.

-Easy...-Parker kept trying to get to me.-Slow the fuck down, goddammit!-He pushed him back, aggressively. Then he turned to me.-Why in hell did you do that?!

-We fought and... I was just mad... I didn't really mean it... I mean, in that moment I did but I...-I looked up and sighted.-Fuck my life...-I had already gotten him dead. I was not gonna fuck up his memory as well. What really had happened was not important anymore. Parker wasn't gonna know it. Richard's family would never even imagine it. What had happened in the desert, was gonna stay in the desert. The least I could do was burry Richard like a hero. What had happened, the truth was buried with him. Losing someone you love is painful enough, let alone knowing everything else... Taylor and Clark showed up too.-It doesn't matter what happened. It was my fault. You can blame me for eternity. I deserve it. Now, gather your stuff. We're leaving.

Parker looked at me, pissed and then shock his head and left.

-You didn't tell him Rich refused to carry him?-Taylor asked, in a cold, disappointed tone. Hunter looked at me, shocked.

-No. That story is dead, you heard me? That stays in the desert. He doesn't need to know it... Just like his family doesn't need to know he killed himself.

-Wait!-Hunter screamed.-What the actual fuck?! What the fuck is wrong with you all?! We owe them the truth!

-Losing a son in war is painful enough.-Clark said.-Imagine knowing he took his own life. I agree with Jones.

-We'll have plenty of time to discuss it. Now get going. We gotta move. I can't wait to be home and end this madness...-I walked away.

What a shitty way of starting the day. I had not only just lost a brother... I had lost all the respect those guys had for me. I was now in a team with no structure and that was no good! I was still the leader but what's the point of being a leader when nobody trust you or respects your orders? That's it. None!

I could feel myself slowly losing it. The war was starting to penetrate my soul and I could feel it destroying me from the inside out. I swore to defend my country and the innocent with boots and blood but I wasn't sure which war I was fighting anymore. I didn't know what it was all about anymore! We were supposed to help those people, keep them safe and kill those motherfucking terrorists! That's what I thought I was gonna be doing but I was in the middle of nowhere, with no support from home, on a secret mission, given as lost in battle! If I was killed, my family wouldn't even be given the peace of knowing exactly what had happened! They wouldn't even know I was dead! They would spend the rest of their lives trying to ignore the little fire inside of them, that faith... They would wait for me to get back until the end of their fucking lives! How fucked up is that?! I should have said no, I should have gone home... But I had sworn... With boots and blood.