Buckingham Nicks-Part II of Fritz Series

The Road

"I wish you'd consider leaving Sara with us darling, touring can't be good for a baby" Barbra fusses over Sara at dinner. Stevie and I are having one last visit to our respective families before we leave for six months. "Robin will be there mom." Stevie puts down her fork to feed Sara some smashed peas, she makes a face pushing the spoon away "Baby, be sweet and eat your veggies. Please? For Mommy" She's having none of it, and she starts hiccupping her prelude to tears. Stevie moves the spoon away and Sara reaches for me.

I stand up taking her in my arms and sitting her in my lap as I eat, I spoon mashed potatoes into her mouth which she eats happily. Barbara and Jess smile shaking their heads "How do you do that?". I shrug, Sara eats all of my potatoes and Stevie makes her a bottle. I hold her against my chest as the T.V. plays in the sitting room, our dinner and desert finished. Stevie bends toward us gently brushing Sara's hair away from her forehead. "She's getting bigger ever day". I nod wiping milk from her chin "Time makes you bolder, even children get older" I get my first genuine smile from Stevie all night and she bumps my shoulder with hers.

When did our easy companionship disappear? I spend more and more time away from home, only returning at late hours. When I wake up Stevie's usually already out of bed. Even if it's early. And I see Sara less and less. I'm not drinking, I'm still going to sessions, and I have a relationship with my family. Stevie is still standoffish around me. I've stopped noticing, it hurts too much.

Late that night I lay in bed thinking about the nights we spent here when I was still in high school. Sneaking through the window so we could be together, then the two of us after or wedding getting to know each other. I miss those days. I miss when Stevie and I had easy conversation, when we shared our thoughts and feelings, when all we had to look forward to was moving out and working on our albums. The sheets next to me rustle, and Stevie turns on her back. she sighs sitting up and turning on her bedside lamp.

My back is to her and I can hear her open her journal and begin writing. I'm starting to resent that fucking book. She tells it everything, and tells me jack shit. She spends all of her time with Sara and I feel like an outsider, an intruder on Mommy daughter time. I hate this, I don't want it to be like this anymore "Are you awake?" breathing out I turn over looking up at her, she's tired her eyes red. I want to comfort her, to take comfort from her. But I'm afraid she'll reject me again so I stand back.

"Yeah" Stevie strokes the curls on my forehead my eyes close at her touch. I miss her all of her, but she's put a wall between us. Or maybe that was me. Both of us are hurting, both of us refuse to acknowledge the hurt we cause each other. We go on as if nothing is wrong, as if there's not a massive elephant in the room, our relationship. "I love you" my eyes close a sharp pain hitting my chest. I know she loves me, if she didn't she'd have left me a long time ago.

It feels like love isn't enough for us anymore.

"I love you too Stevie. More than my own life" her hand strokes my cheek her thumb sliding against my lips gently "How are your sessions going?" well enough. I'm not attacking her after each question, and we've even been able to engage each other civilly at last. The sleeping pills help on rough nights and my nightmares aren't so violent or pronounced. I'm feeling...less out to drift and more like myself. Too bad I'm losing my marriage in the process.

"I'm making progress I guess" her face lifts her eyes brightening "Good. I'm happy Linds I want you to be too." I close my eyes then look back at her "Do you?" there's a tense silence "Of course I do honey, what kind of question is that?" I sit up looking her right in the eye "You want me to be happy? Why are you treating me like I'm some kind of fucking criminal?" her spine stiffens "I'm not-" I toss the covers back "You know what, I'm not interested." I grab a blanket from her cedar chest along with a pillow. "I'll wake you up when it's time to go"