Chapter 41: Bloodlust

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“Edward! My dad is gone!” I circled back and searched for him. I found him a couple of miles back, punching a tree and shaking.

“Dad?” I asked cautiously.

He turned and looked at me. The look in his eyes frightened me. I had never been scared of Charlie hurting me, but this look….

“Dad, what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” He repeated incredulously. “Bella, look at me!” He said angrily. “What the hell happened to me?” He held up his hand to stop me from answering. “Yeah, I know what happened. I meant how did this happen? I was a normal guy! I was old, I was going to die soon.” His face scrunched up, the way mine did when I was trying not to cry. “I survived a heart attack! As if that survivor’s guilt wasn’t bad enough, now I’m going to live forever!”

“Dad, I don’t understand…”

“Sue died of a heart attack, Bella!” He shouted.  “I watched my wife die in front of me, and I never recovered. When I had that heart attack, I was actually grateful!” He said shamefully. “I wanted to die! I didn’t want to live in this world without Sue, it was too painful.  When I survived, I felt horrible, as if it were my fault that I lived and she didn’t. My only comfort was that I knew I would die one day, and hopefully see her again. Now….”

He trailed off, the anger welling up in his eyes again. He punched a tree so hard it split in half and fell over. I flinched.

“Dad….” I whispered, my voice shaking. “I am so sorry….I had no idea. I feel horrible for changing you, I was just being selfish. I couldn’t let you go yet. I-I’m sorry.” I felt myself shaking, and felt my legs getting weak.

“I can’t live like this, Bella. Not around people. I need to be alone. I’m sorry.” His voice was hard, emotionless. That scared me the most.

He turned and ran away, not looking back.

“Dad!” I cried, chasing after him. “Dad! Wait!” I ran after him, chasing him for miles and miles.

Eventually, my legs gave out. I knew it was all in my head, that my legs couldn’t actually give out. But I was so overcome with grief and guilt that I simply could not stand, let alone run, any longer. I fell to the ground, sobbing.

I lay there, among the leaves and grass, staring at the sky. I looked around, and saw a blue bird in the tree above me. I remembered what Renesme had showed me, and focused on the bird’s wings. Strangely, it made me feel a little bit better.

After crying myself out, I stood, brushing the leaves and dirt from my clothes. I started walking back, my thoughts on a roller coaster.

Did I do the right thing? Should I try to follow him some more? Will he ever come back? Does he hate me, or himself? Or both? Will he ever forgive me? Does he understand why I did this?

Eventually I found myself running, as hard and as fast as I could make myself go. With each footstep, I left a little bit of the guilt and shame behind me. I couldn’t allow those emotions of disturb me right now. I was about to fight for my life and the lives of my family, I needed to focus.

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