Gazing at the Stars

Chapter 5

Yamaguchi leaves the next morning earlier than I would have liked, but he didn't leave without telling me he was going to tell Kageyama today. That brought me back to the harsh reality that I was losing someone I cared so much for.

I sigh and head to my room to think.

I can't believe that I was going to tell him that I love him... How could he ever return those feelings to me? I have so many flaws, while Yamaguchi is flawless.

I am not much to look at. I have fluffy blond hair that stands out. My eyes are a golden-brown color, and are covered with big, black glasses. I don't smile very much. My face is too narrow and my nose too small. I am way too tall, and way too thin. I don't have much for muscles, and I am not all that interesting.

The only things I do in life are play volleyball, go to school, and study. I really don't have hobbies except volleyball, and I don't try that hard in it. It doesn't mean much to me to try. The only reason I try at all is because of Yamaguchi.

Yamaguchi has always been there to push me, to make me a better person.

I don't have much for a sense of humor. The only thing I am good at is making fun of people and being sarcastic. I pick at people too much to the point that everyone hates me, and I am so sarcastic that people don't want to be around me. That's as far as my sense of humor goes, and it just makes me a salty dick.

I'm in general not nice, obviously, considering I'm sarcastic and make fun of people. I would rather pick at people than compliment them. I don't tell people they are good. I don't thank people. I only respect those older than me, and there are exceptions, like Tanaka and Noya. I am here for me, it is my world, and people just live in it.

And I am so mean to the one person I do love. Why did I ever treat him so bad in the first place? I knew without knowing that I loved him. I always wanted to protect him, from the moment I met him. I couldn't stand to hear the noise he made when he was bullied and hated seeing him upset ever since. I knew I loved everything about him, so why couldn't I accept that I loved him, as himself. Why did I never accept that I was in love with Yamaguchi Tadashi?

I led him straight into someone else's arms.

Speaking of that 'someone else.' Kageyama is a stark contrast to me.

Kageyama is someone who I would consider very good looking, even though I don't like him. He is tall, and has a great build. He is filled out, with muscles and abs and doesn't look lanky. He has a great skin tone. He has that shortish black hair that seems to lie just perfectly against his head, and those ocean blue eyes that contrast his dark hair perfectly. Eyes that could send daggers and love at the same time. His head isn't disproportionate like mine, and he does smile. Sometimes it looks terrifying, but he smiles genuinely at Yamaguchi and doesn't look bad.

He has changed lately. Sure, he used to be an asshole King, but now, he's different. I've noticed that. He really does compliment the team members when they do good things and is overall nicer and more agreeable. He seems to have completely swapped around, and is better now than ever. He seems lighter too.

Why would anyone pick me over him, ever?

And then there's Yamaguchi... I don't think anyone will ever deserve him. He is an angel straight from above. I have talked a million times about his perfect features, but on top of that, he is just a good person. He can be motherly when it's necessary, but also stern and tough like a father, like he was with Kageyama. He has so many amazing qualities, that make him too good for this Earth.

The only person that could even remotely deserve him is Kageyama. I can see the way he looks at Yama, especially now. He has a different appreciation for him. I think Kageyama really does love him. And, if he loves Yama, and Yama loves Kageyama, then all I want for Yamaguchi is happiness. If anyone deserves happiness, Yamaguchi deserves it.