Gazing at the Stars

Chapter 9

I wake up the next day and really don't want to go to school, but I am still hollow. Nothing is working except for automatic systems of my body. I got ready like a robot, like I would on a normal morning, and walked to school. I didn't see Yamaguchi on my way.

I walked into practice, and literally don't think I spoke to anyone.

Practice went by, and I blocked with stiff movements. I don't even know if Kageyama or Yamaguchi were at practice, I just... existed without thinking.

I went to class. I don't know what I did in any of my morning classes. No idea. I'm lucky I even remember going.

For lunch, Hinata sat with me, but he was more of a presence today. He didn't speak all that much, I think he knew I was fucked up.

Broken.

He was there, and it was almost comforting.

Almost.

I went to my afternoon classes, and I do remember one thing from my psychology class. I guess we are going over emotions and the psychology relating to them. Only one point stuck out through that, though. What we call 'heartache' is due to the emotional stress, and it causes stress sensations in our chest of muscle tightening, increased heart rate, and shortness of breath. And, emotional pain and physical pain are in the same brain regions, so they are connected in a way.

When afternoon practice rolled around, I changed and sat down to drink water before, and I felt a presence.

Please don't be Yamaguchi.

Please don't be Kageyama.

Please don't be Hinata.

I want to be alone.

And I turn to look, and it's Suga.

Damn it.

"Tsukishima, we need to talk." He says, and I shake my head no. He shakes his head yes, determined, and pulls me from the ground with more strength than I expected. "We are talking."

He drags me across the room, and out to the clubroom so we can talk in private. Before I leave the gym, I happen to make eye contact with Yamaguchi. He looks in pain, like, a lot of pain.

Why am I feeling so void?

We make it to the club room and Suga pushes me in a chair, and I sigh.

"What, Suga."

"I need to hear this whole story." He states, and I can't help the mouth diarrhea.

"I fell in love with Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tadashi fell in love with Kageyama Tobio, who loved him back. It's a simple story, really." I state, and Suga shakes his head.

"You and I both know there's more. I picked this part up from the beginning." He told me, and I sighed.

"Tadashi and I were hanging out last week, and he had hickeys and bite marks, all over his body, Suga. Literally, purple marks and red teeth marks, covering his chest and back and shoulders. It scared me, but it also made me want to die that Kageyama could leave those marks on him. I snapped yesterday when I saw one on his neck that he covered with makeup and I confronted Kageyama, and after some fighting, Yamaguchi sent Kageyama home. Some very hateful words were exchanged, and Yamaguchi still doesn't get that I am so in love with him, and that this is killing me. He thinks I am jealous of the relationship and basically told me I am a hateful loner. He told me to go fuck myself last night, so I left and didn't look back. Suga, he broke my heart. But, why do I feel void? I don't know what to do anymore..."

"Kei," Suga starts, and I don't get upset he used my name. This is too serious of a talk to go with last names. "I get it. I can't imagine how it feels to have the person you love talking about how in love he is with another. I can't imagine seeing those marks. I can't understand how awful it is. I am sure it is, but I haven't had that. But, you must understand, he doesn't know how much you care about him. Imagine if it was the other way around, wouldn't you be confused? Wouldn't you think he was jealous and lonely?"