He's the one

Chapter 19~ Suicidal

So this is kinda a chapter but its short, i'll update tomorrow while watching my crush play soccer ☺. (FYI, I am NOT stalking him. Me and my friend are gonna watch it cause we want to lol)

So you might know that I'm suicidal. It's been rough for me lately. And previously in this book I've written of how I used to "cut" (scratch) myself with a pencil. Well today I was just crying and took my thumbtack and tried cutting myself...... On my Wrist....... There's only marks to be seen now. I didn't bleed at all, but at that time I really really just wanted everything to go away.... I wanted to die.

But I know I have a future... Sometimes I don't really want to die, sometimes I just want all the pain to go away. I wish that we could just fall asleep and everything, all the pain would disappear.

I was talking to my friend on Kik after I attempted to cut myself. She told me this..... These are her words :

Don't worry u can trust me I am ur friend no matter what I will be there when u scream my name I will be there when u fall I will be there when u cry I will be there when u laugh don't worry I am always going to be there for u

Me: 😭😓😢😭 your the only person who's said that to me :(

No one really knows what I'm going through and I just need to let it all out. I only let some out. The only people who've I've told is Edward,Erika then Noelia found out cause one of my pictures and Heidy I didn't really tell her but I told her at the time when I tired to do this. Well I don't really do this.... It's confusing. When I tell you the whole story you'll hopefully understand what I'm talking about

Her : I will try to understand u and I can probably help you, you just have to tell me don't worry u can trust me

Me: I wanna tell you but how do you want me to tell you. I like really wanna tell you in person but if I tell you tomorrow I'm going to be crying like all day. But I wanna tell you so if I need to hug someone or anything. You'd be there as a friend and try to talk to me about it😖😫😩

Her: Just tell me know so u won't cry tomorrow

Me: Ok. Promise you won't tell anyone. I might take a long time. It's a long story, if you don't want to hear it. You don't have to.

Her: Don't worry I won't tell anyone and take ur time

Me: Ok. Here I go.. Oh sorry to interrupt the "story" 😩 I'm doing my hw so ill be typing and doing it ok

Her: It's ok

Me: So I don't remember/know why or how I started feeling this way or just hating myself but I like don't really like my life. I know I have really good friends, for example. You. I have a family that loves me and I know that. But it's just hard for me. I sometimes just been feeling down lately and when I was feeling down I like kinda scratched myself with a pencil.... 😓😔 I know. It's bad. You probably are mad at me like Ria was. Then I just wanted to get something sharper.... 😭😓 I hate how i look, how no one likes me, how i get hard stuff, how I don't get stuff, and how I've come to done this. You probably know what I'm doing now. We talked about it in class, Xitlaly kinda wrote about it in her feature article. I have gotten to the point where I just wish I could fall asleep and everything would go away. There have been times where I've cried myself to sleep. Now you know about me what others don't. I didn't really explain it to anyone else but u.I hope your not mad at me or don't wanna be my friend anymore or think I'm crazy. Please don't tell anyone this.

I hope you understand. 😔

Her: I do under stand I get you I sometimes feel like that to but the way I express my anger is I either run, draw what I am feeling, go someplace quiet and think about what I did wrong or I beat up my pillow or stuffed animals , I pray , I write in am secret place, look at my memory box to get my mind off of what happened. You try some of those things to see if it works and genesis the worst thing you can do is cut your self what's the point ur hurting ur self and that makes thing worse think about what's going to happen in the future I now a lot of people who did this and didn't stop and they are rude right now cuz they didn't stop when they could so just stop and try doing one of the things I told u or just even cry it all out. Please don't continue ur beautiful they just don't see it so just give it a try and tell me how u feel and when ur feeling down just text me

Me: I'm crying right now 😭😭 thank you. You mean the world to me. Your the only one who tried to help me. No one else did. And for that I love you. (As a friend <3 ) and i thank you sooo much 😭

Her: Thanks 😊 so ur going to stop right

Me: I'll really try to. When ever I feel the need to, I'll text you or just do what you told me to do.

Her: Ok that good

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So the reason why I wrote this chapter is because I want you to know that it will get better. I know this just happened today, but i feel it will get better.

Soo if you wanna cut, overdose, or die.... Don't, you have a future, if you wanna cut yourself... Draw where ever you cut with a pen. The point is just Sony do it. Please for your parents, your mom, your dad, your little siblings, your friends, your grandma, your teacher or teachers, your boyfriend/girlfriend or crush, your whatever, someone who you know WOULDN'T want you doing this... And lastly, if you won't do it for them.....

DO IT FOR YOUR SELF!

ILY, STAY STRONG.