At The Wedding

--I Wanted To Kiss You--

I don't know how and when everything started, really. Was it when we were 14? 12? Or when we were five? I really don't know. I just woke up one day and realized everything has changed.

Starting that, I woke up every day at the thought of her, at the thought of waking up beside her for the rest of my life and at the thought of creating a future with her. It was like she suddenly turned into somebody else, from being the best friend to becoming the love of my life. She didn't just make everyday happy anymore, she turned it spectacular. She would send butterflies partying down to the very core of my stomach and she always made my heart dance into a wild rhythm. Could that sudden 360-degree turn really develop overnight?

Every time, she would talk, I really couldn't concentrate on anything she said. I don't hear anything at all. Instead, I found myself staring at her lips and wondered how it would actually taste in my mouth. I always wanted kiss her. Always.

"Kier, are you even listening?" She gave me a light punch on my left shoulder, to bring me out of my trance. I looked at her face; her right brow was raised up. God, she's so beautiful and I was looking like a lost puppy, blank and dreamy.

"Sorry, could you just repeat everything you said?" She rolled her eyes and she was obviously pissed. She looked cuter when she was pissed. She was ready to storm out and leave me. But, before she could, I held her left hand with my right, pulled her closer and gave a teasing boyish grin. "I just got a little distracted with wanting to place something here." I didn't know how I managed to say it without sounding so nervous. I thought my finger would be shaking furiously when I touched her lower lip, but it was cooperative.

I felt current running on my index finger, making me wonder what kind of explosion would happen if my lips finally touched hers. My heart was hammering wildly as I slowly closed the gap between us, sucking the air she was breathing out. She stood there frozen, blushing furiously and wide-eyed. I don't know if it was just the proximity between us or she was attracted to me too, but I felt that there was something pulling me closer to her, far more than my hormones.

I was so close and I felt brave enough to kiss her now, but then she suddenly pushed me lightly. My courage evaporated. "W-What w-w-was th-that a-about?" She stammered, her eyes looking everywhere but on me.

I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to say. I even wanted to tell her what I actually felt for her, that she was more than a best friend and a sister now. "You look so cute when you're tomato red, Al. You should have seen your face." I laughed instead, choosing to keep the feelings with me.

She rolled her eyes again and then she sighed. "That was so funny, Kier."

"I know right. That's why you shouldn't go kissing boys, okay, because it would only make you look uglier." I goofily told her, but in my thoughts I really wanted to say I didn't want her to kiss other boys because, I should be the only one kissing her. She just rolled her eyes. She never kissed anyone, nope no one dared. Everyone knew she was mine and I was hers. Even if we never were a couple, everyone just assumed and I liked their assumptions. And I always wished their assumptions would come true. That would have to wait though.

"Will you miss me?" I asked her seriously. We were on the hilltop having our usual picnic.

"What's this about this time, Kier?" She ignored my question, not really believing I was serious. Well, she never really finds anything I say serious. That's my fault, though. I never really gave her a reason to believe I was serious in anything.

"Nothing." But, there really was something. "Will you ever miss me?" I looked at her eyes, this time our gazes met. There was that sad look on her eyes, which was probably just my imagination because it was immediately gone. She was smiling brightly at me.

"I won't." She said. Ouch! That was painful. Then, I felt her had on top of mine. "Because I know, I won't have to miss you because you promised me you'll never leave." How I wish that were true.

I smiled sadly, "I'll miss you, Al..." I saw the worry on her face, this time she did not bother covering it with a smile. I knew she felt what I was trying to hide. She squeezed my hand tighter, "Tell me you're fooling around again" She was pleading. How I wish I could tell her that, but that would not change our inevitable parting. Just last week, I got an e-mail from New York University. I've been waiting for this e-mail all my life. I wanted to tell her immediately, but realized I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell her I was leaving her. Hot tears slowly trickled out of her eyes. I hate to see her cry so I pulled her to a hug. "Please, tell me you're joking Kier... I'm already crying, you win, you got the reaction you wanted already."I didn't say anything and I just hugged her, tighter and took in the scent of her hair which was a mixture of sunshine and moss. I kissed the top of her head, then her eyes, then trailed kisses to her nose and cheeks and then I found her mouth.

It was supposed to be a one second smack, but something pushed me to explore her mouth further. Hormones? Gravity? No, it was that dangerous mix of both. I let my tongue slide in. At first she hesitated, but then she gave in. My heart continued hammering and my stomach twisted and turned as our tongue fought for dominance. I won. My hand caressed her back as she placed her hands around my neck to keep her balance. This was not how I imagined it. This was better, much better than my lustful thoughts.

I wanted to pack her and bring her with me while I chase my dreams, but I can't do that. She had her own dream to chase too. It would be really unfair to ask her to make a detour, especially if I am not making one.

We were breathless when we finally parted. Our foreheads were touching and resting on each other. "I'll always come back to you, Alexis." She didn't say anything. I kissed the top of her forehead one last time. We were still 17 and we still had a long way to go, but I knew there would be nowhere else in the world that would feel like home. She was home for me and I knew I'd come back to her.

"Please wait for me." I even wanted to tell her I love her, but I was not able to and I would never be able to.

[End of Flashback]

"You may now kiss the bride." I heard the priest say. I dreaded the sight. I never wanted anyone to touch her, so much more kiss her. I wanted that to be me, only me, but I let that slip from me, let her slip from me.

And now, I am merely one of the audience watching her as she and Ralph kissed. Where ours were little sparks, theirs was an explosive firework. And it was burning me down, turning me into gray ash that would be blown by the wind, forgotten.

I wanted to kiss her, but that was all I could do now watch her kiss another man and wish it was me.

Author's note: This is actually one of my favorite parts. While writing this, my heart literally stopped. After I wrote this, it actually made me wonder what if, Kier never left? Or what if he told Alex where he was heading or at least kept a constant communication with her while he was there. The What Ifs right? You, what do you think?

I'd like to hear from you.

Lovelots,

himesamaC :*