'a bit of silence'
The next morning I wake up with Jacob in my arms. He is snuggled so closely to me, his body right up against mine as he lays his head on my chest. I can hear soft snores tumble from his mouth and I cannot help but run my fingers ever so lightly under his eyes and down his cheeks.
I can almost feel the tear tracks his copious amounts of tears left behind from last night, beneath his eyes surely feel a bit swelled up too. My own heart almost feels swollen too from the way I think back to the way I had to get him upstairs and into bed while he was in such a terrible state. I rip myself away from those thoughts before I can cry.
When he does stir from his deep sleep, I lay my fingers into his hair, tugging it the way he likes it, the way that soothes him. I take one hand and trace it down his bare back, feeling each bump of his spine as I trail down, I then trace my fingers all the way back up the expanse of his warm skin.
One last huff falls from his lips and then he is lifting his head up from my chest and sitting up. I do so as well, laying a hand on his shoulder when I find it.
“Jacob,” I say quietly, he sits himself on the edge of the bed and I shuffle over more to reach him with better ease. I sit behind him and wrap my arms around his neck.
I cannot believe what falls from his mouth next; I nearly think I imagined it, a sort of sick twist of my subconscious.
“Not now,” he says coldly as he shuffles away from my arms and stands. “I will be in the shower,” he tells me with a sharp edge of annoyance in his voice.
I am left on the bed to ponder over what had just happen, but just as I do with most things, I push the thought away and I stand up. I go over to my dresser where I take out a change of clothes to get in the shower after him.
He just needs space, I tell myself. He just needs a little space.
….....
We eat breakfast in silence, well I eat, Jacob sounds like he is not bothering to touch his food. Bruno is under the table, I suspect that he is by Jacob’s feet. I use that as something to break the silence, it is an awful silence, we never have these kinds of silences where it is uncomfortable, tense.
“Is B by your feet?” I ask. No answer for a while but then he is breaking himself out of whatever daydream he was in or whatever he was doing.
“Oh sorry, uh yeah, I nodded at you,” he tells me. I furrow my eyebrows at the way he says it, I try to dismiss it but it does feel like an intentional jab at my blindness.
“When are your classes starting to today?” I try again.
“Midday,” he says dully.
“Okay, uh, what do you-"
“Troye, I just need a bit of silence okay? Can you just let me have that for a while?” he snaps, I cower back a bit, muttering an okay and pushing back my bowl, suddenly not so hungry either.
I hear him pull back his chair. “Later,” he says and then I hear the door shut. Bruno had followed him out but then he is walking back over to me where he sits at my side, I reach out to pat his head which he leans into.
“I don’t know either, boy,” I tell him, he is probably wondering why Jacob didn't pat him goodbye.
I am left to put the leftover food away and to clean up after the two of us.
I don’t go to class that day. I’ll get more done here than in lectures where I will daydream or worry about Jacob.
…
“What’s going on? Are you alright?”
“My boy…I want to lie and say yes... but.”
“Mom, please tell me what is going on,” a concerned son says with a whimper.
“I’m sorry,” a mother says, guilt swirling in her stomach and tears cascading like two waterfalls down her beautiful features, it's not even her fault.
…
Jacob comes to my apartment, as he had promised to come for dinner.
Later on, with full stomachs (and little conversation) even though he didn’t exactly eat nearly as much as he normally scarfs down, we are on my bed. I lay on my side and him on the other end of the bed typing away on his laptop. Bruno sits at Jacob’s feet.
The fact that Bruno does not leave Jacob’s side while he is around tells me that there is definitely something not right. It makes me feel sick enough to empty my stomach of its dinner.
He is still acting a bit distant and there is still a thin layer of tension between us but that may just be me because if this morning.
“What you up to over there? Writing another paper?” I ask. He answers stiffly, his voice not sounding anything like his own.
“Booking a flight,” he says bluntly, I am taken aback and I’m pretty sure my incredulous expression would tell anyone as much.
“What?”
“I’m going home next weekend, just booking a flight there now so that it is sorted out,” he says as if he does this all the time.
“Were you going to tell me anytime soon?”
“Eventually,” he says without much interest.
“Oh,” I just say, I murmur, he does not hear it. “But why?”
“Why so many fucking questions?” he says sharply, snapping at me yet again. I shrink back where I am lying down.
"I'm just asking, Jacob, for God's sake," I say harshly.
"Well stop asking, just leave me be," he says angrily.
“I’ll be down stairs,” I tell him, before this can turn into some ugly fight, neither of us need that right now.
“Yeah,” he says with little to no interest.
What is happening with my Jacob?
a:n// sorry this was pretty short but i will make up for it i promise (eventually)
