'his emotional wall he built too strong'
Troye's POV
The funeral has now been a whole month ago, Jacob has not been the same since, not in the slightest.
At the funeral he managed to get through his speech, unlike the memorial. He told me he only did so because I was at his side but I know how much strength it took from himself to do it.
He broke down again afterwards though when all those people were giving him their condolences. He lost it because he just could not accept the fact that he lost his mother.
There were a lot of yellow roses.
He barely eats or talks to anyone these days. He sleeps (restlessly) a lot, he seems to sleep all the time. When it comes to schoolwork, he does everything so half-heartedly. He used to put his energy and whole heart into everything he did, no matter what it was.
Within this month I have never hated being blind more, this month where my boy will not speak at all. I can hear him but not he is silent so there is nothing to hear. I cannot read his emotions by his facial features unless I constantly have my hands on his face that is.
He cuddles a lot, but never kisses me.
I never feel as if I can provide him enough comfort or warmth though, I feel like I am not doing enough. There has to be something more I can do because everything I am doing now must be wrong. Jacob is not recovering.
Sometimes I ask Emma to come over and just give a glance at Jacob just so that she can tell me how he looks. She always says the same thing, a blank expression. She tells me stares for small eternities at one point she cannot find. His eyes are always rimmed red, not even from crying, but just from the amount of time he uses to sleep.
And when she leaves, Jacob does not even question why she was there, his curiosity for the world, his love for the world has seemingly dissipated. He no longer asks about anything except for how I am doing. I tell him I am fine but when I ask the same question in the hopes of getting a sufficient answer he just remains silent or changes the topic. I cannot remember the last time we had one of our deep and lengthily conversations, I miss them.
I miss him.
It is a Friday afternoon; Jacob has just walked back into the apartment after work. I hear Bruno rushing to him at the door. I think Bruno knows more than me at this point, about Jacob is feeling. Bruno never barks friendly like he used to at Jacob, he never pounces at him or even licks him. He keeps his distance and Jacob tells me he just nudges him and nuzzles into his leg as a greeting and then he trots off again.
This afternoon I think I decide that I have had quite enough of this. I need to try something more than just giving him a comforting hug or cuddle and allowing him to just wallow in his own upset thoughts.
As he walks in, I follow Bruno and I hug Jacob. He hugs me back without a word and nuzzles into my hair, breathing in my scent as I do with his.
“We’re not staying here tonight, let’s go do something,” I tell him.
“Troye, I’m tired I just-"
“You’re not tired, not physically at least, I know you are emotionally exhausted though but sleep isn’t going to fix that,” only trying to recover will.
“I want to, Troye. But I just…I just can’t. I don't want to.”
“Do you feel like you will be letting her down if you don’t mourn forever?” I ask suddenly. He is silent for a while, taken aback by my question but then he sighs.
