It's been one year since Augustus Waters died.
Actually, that's just a vague description of how long I've been in pain. It's been one year, three days, twenty-two hours and forty-seven seconds.
Ever since Gus died, it's like I can't breathe. I have my cannula but it doesn't help. My chest constricts, my heart twists and my lungs contract. I knew it would hurt but not this much. I wish I was numb, distant from a world that doesn't contain him, oblivious to the life that keeps on pushing forward even though it had lost someone important. I've lost someone important.
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I thought that when I was with Gus that things were perfect and beautiful but now I see what they really are. When he was alive, streets were filled with happy people that exchanged friendly greetings with complete strangers but now I see that it is actually a rundown street with dirty hobos selling drugs to anyone who walks past. When he was standing next to me, a humanly touch felt smooth and like people should brush more often and not just completely avoid other people's hands. But, without him, a slight skin cell on skin cell feels like a raging fire is devouring my arm and I stay as far them as possible as if they had the plague.
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I haven't even mouthed a word since Gus' funeral. I haven't hugged anyone since he died. I eat silently three small meals a day, no more or less. I cry every day. When I wake up, when I see the pictures of him, when I lay motionless in my bed and when I go to sleep.
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I think it's safe to say that I haven't gotten over the anomaly that is Augustus Waters.
Was. He's no longer here, Hazel. My inner voice corrects.
Mum's stopped coming in when she heard me crying and I'm grateful. I want to mourn in peace. But how long is it going to be before I can look at his photo without crying? I don't know and I really want to know. I bet Augustus would have an answer.
I start to cry silent tears at the thought of my dead lover. I just want to be with him for one more night. Just an hour would make me happy because then we could actually say goodbye. I would get to see his eyes that sparkle no matter what, encourage the smile that lightens his entire face, feel his embrace one more time.
That seems to be the thing on my mind the most. Just one more. One more kiss. One more hug. One more 'I love you'. One more 'Okay'. I would give my everything for just one more minute with Augustus Waters.
I walk outside with my oxygen tank and sit on the bare ground where the swing set once was. Why did I have to sell it? It was one of the last things that had Gus on it. One of my last reminders of him.
The tears come thicker and faster and my nose gets runny. They fall onto my purple shirt and get lost in the fabric, just like Augustus and I's relationship. Sure, it's not completely gone. I'm still here, but a half of me is missing. And that half is deceased and buried six feet underground.
"Hazel? Isaac's here to see you." My mother calls from the door. I only nod with my head hung down. She brings out Isaac who has his right hand around her shoulder. I don't bother to wipe away the salty tears that have found home on my cheeks. Isaac's blind, he can't see me, so why bother? Isaac plops down on the grass next to me with a loud thud and mum rushes back into the house.
"Hello Hazel. How are you today?" He asks, trying to get me to talk. I don't. "Please Hazel, I haven't heard you speak since Gus' funeral. It feels like I've lost both of my best friends at the same time."
I cry into cardigan sleeve while he waits for my answer. After a minute or so, he sighs heavily.
"Look, Hazel. We need to stick together. Help each other out with our grief. Please, I need to know you will be there when I need to talk. And I will be there for you." Isaac says.
"I'm sorry Isaac. It's just..." I pause wiping away my tears. "I just miss him so damn much."
"I know, I do too. Just remember, I am here for you. Okay?" I just cry harder and start to sob loudly, the sharp intake of breath making my lungs burn. "Shoot! I'm so sorry Hazel. I totally forgot."
"No. It's not your fault Isaac. God! Does it ever get any easier? I've been crying for the last year!"
"Really? Oh, Hazel. Come here." He opens his arms to hug me but he's slightly off. By a whole 180 degrees. I pull his arms to me and, although it's so hard to hug someone when they're not the one you want to touch you, I hug him back.
I just cry into his shoulder as he pats my (I'm guessing it was so supposed to be my middle back) neck. He and I pull away at the same time.
"How about you come to a party next weekend? No one will stare at you because they all either have cancer, had cancer or know someone with cancer. It'll help."
"Isaac. I don't know."
"And there will be alcohol. Strong stuff. Enough to forget for the night." And that's all it took.
"I'm in."
"Great! You can pick me up and I'll give you the address."
We sit in the dull afternoon sun with the grass coloured a soft orange from the sunset. Crickets have started to chirp behind us and the birds that were once out and about are now in their nests.
I don't know how it happened, but the alarm in my brain sets off it's siren and lights flash numbers and words in my vision like they are really in front of my face.
1 YEAR, 4 DAYS!
"It's been one year and four days since he died." I say quietly, more to myself then anyone. I stand and help Isaac up.
"How do you know?" He asks.
"I just do. It's like there's a clock I'm my head that counts down every second and signals me when he hits a new hour." I explain. "Come on. Your mum is probably talking to my mum."
Sure enough, Isaac's mum is in the living room with her slim fingers wrapped around a cup of coffee and chatting away to my mum.
"Goodbye Isaac. I will see you this weekend."
"Bye Hazel Grace Lancaster." He walks away but I stay frozen in my place. Only Augustus has ever called me that. I'll have to tell him next time to never, ever say that.
I plod to my room and slip into the bed without taking off my clothes that have a light layer of dirt from outside. I prepare myself for an early night by hooking myself up to the BiPap.
Once again, I cry myself to sleep. I turn to one side and wet it with my tears then turn to the other side and cry until it becomes soaked. I turn to the other side but it is so cold. The other side too. So I just lay face up and have the tears pour out the sides and pass by my ears.
"I love you Augustus Waters. If you have any sympathy for me tonight, don't let me wake up. Okay?" I whisper into the darkness and wait for his velvet-like voice to respond.
"Okay. I love you Hazel Grace Lancaster." I might of imagined it but it helped me relax and soon I am deep in the abyss where I can sometimes be free from the pain the conscious world gives me in oversized portions.
