Seven months. For seven months I have been pregnant with a little miracle. Some teenagers that get pregnant have an abortion but killing the peanut inside of me never even crossed my mind. I couldn't get rid of him; he's my flesh and blood. It would be like cutting off one of my legs. Augustus. He had one of his legs chopped off because of cancer because it was the best chance they had for making Gus cancer-free. But the cancer loved him as much as I do and came back for the rest.
A tear slips down my cheek and splashes on my expanding belly. For the first two months I had no belly but now it gets in the way of everything. Joshua is going to be one chubby boy. I remember when I finally woke up in the hospital.
My mother was there, gripping my hand and running her free hand over my hair. I had given her a questioning and she just smiled sympathetically and nodded then placed her forehead on our intertwined hands. I didn't collapse like I thought I should've but I guess it was just because I hadn't absorbed. I don't think I have even now.
Yesterday, Gus' mum invited me over to their house for a barbeque. Of course I said yes, I'm feeding two humans at the moment. Also, I need to tell them I am pregnant. They need to know, especially if the father is their nephew, and I want them to have an active part in Josh's life as if they were direct grandparents.
The barbeque is in two hours so I roll off my bed, grab a towel and switch the shower on. With this fat tummy, I can't have a bath without assistance from Mum. The slightly hot droplets of water sooth the muscles in my back and offer some relief to my aching feet. I sound like I'm in my last month of pregnancy where I'll be a fat elephant when in all reality my little munchkin still has plenty of growing to do. Great.
I pull on a pair of random underwear and sports bra along with a pair of stretchy black pants. I scramble through my drawers for a while until I find a very special shirt. When Mum and Dad found out I was pregnant (after they stopped freaking out) they got my a maternity version of my 'Ceci n'est pas une pipe' shirt. I know, who would have thought that they had maternity wear? I pulled that on with great struggle and admired the hem of the top between my fingers.
"You know, little Josh, when Augustus and I were in Amsterdam, I wore the same shirt. He pointed to my shirt and said 'Funny' and I replied with 'Don't call my boobs funny'. I love him very much but he's gone. Still, that doesn't mean I stop loving him. I hope so much they you grow up to be like Gus." I rub my belly lovingly as I think about my short time with the man I love named Augustus Waters. A hand joins mine on my tummy. I look up to see Isaac with my Mum helping him.
"I wish he grows up to be like Gus as well," Isaac murmurs.
"Isaac, will you be my baby's uncle? Will you tell him stories about Augustus and me? Will you tell him about where his middle name came from and what we did together? Will you stay with him no matter what happens?" He nods. "Do you promise?"
"I do, Hazel. I do." I take in a sharp breath and stand up quickly. I race out the door with Phillip and clamber into Mum's car. It should be Gus saying those words in a church at our wedding, not Isaac saying it in my bedroom as I ask him to be my child's uncle. When did my life become this screwed?
Dad drives the car down the familiar roads to the Waters' house. A few other cars line the street surrounding the beautiful house. Mum helps Isaac out the car as Dad helps me out. I kiss his cheek and walk behind the group that I consider as family. The large, Victorian-style door swings open and Gus' mother and father envelope my parents in huge hugs. While the adults are catching up, I sneak past and into the backyard where I can smell the mouth-watering meat.
I grab a vegetarian sausage with my bare fingers and devour it in a few seconds. I grab a second and nibble on it a bit slower. As I look around, I see the people in the backyard staring at me. My breathing gets shallower and tears start to gather in my eyes. As I look around, all I can see are bits and pieces of Augustus. One man has his cute nose, a lady has his enchanting eyes, a baby has his hair colour. Snapshots and glimpses of Gus are all I see; no one is a full Augustus Waters. And it's breaking my heart all over again.
Looking at his family, it reminds me of what I have lost. Never will I see his lopsided grin and his obvious gait and the cheeky glint he had in his eyes all together ever again. He was a one of a kind that has been lost from this world forever. And that's never going to change for the world is not a wish-granting factory.
My hands go over my mouth as a sob passes my lips. The delicious sausage falls to the ground as the crowd parts to let a young man through.
"Miles." My voice comes out in a gasp.
"Hazel, what's wrong?" My mother wipes the tears from my cheeks and rubs her hands up and down my arms. But my eyes never the leave the vibrant green orbs of Augustus' cousin and my baby's father.
"Wait. You're..." He shakes his head at the ground and raises his eyes to meet mine. "You're Gus' Hazel Grace." I wrap my arms around my stomach and nod. Miles looks down at my belly, then at my eyes, back to my baby bump and then me. I just give him teary-eyed smile that I'm sure looked more like a grimace. "And you're pregnant."
Gasps echo around the large backyard as I step out from behind the picnic table, my belly on full show, and walk towards him until I am a mere metre away from him.
"Miles, you are the father." He stood there in shock along with the rest of my possible husband's family. I expected for him to want to touch my belly or just walk away but what happened next took me by complete surprise.
He punched me.
I heard a deafening crack come from the impact and instantly knew that my nose was broken as I fell to the grass ground.
"You slut! How dare you even think that I would think that little demon inside you is mine! You lured me into that bed and practically raped me! I would never have even gone near you if I knew you were the all high Hazel Grace," He spits out my name and slaps my face once more before storming off to who knows where.
I haul myself up and wrap a protective arm around my baby's only protection from the horrible outside world. My lip quivers as my cheek stings.
"Yes, I am pregnant with Miles' child but it did not happen the way he says it did. Mister and Misses Waters, I was going to ask you to be this baby's grandparents as if it was Augustus' child but I can see now that you would never want to even see this child. I'm sorry for ruining this lovely afternoon. Enjoy the rest of your day."
I storm out but know they will follow me outside so I go to the only other safe spot I know.
The basement.
I tread quietly down the stairs and towards Gus' old bed. I can still see little pieces of trophies scattered in the corners and An Imperial Affliction is beside his bed. I wrap myself in the covers that no longer smell like him and silently cry myself to sleep. I don't want to be found. I want to be with Gus and carry his child, not his lying cousin's. I think I eventually fall asleep because when they find me, it is two days after.
