Gerard was hugging me. I was deeply confused. Why was he hugging me? I'd had just lied to him. Okay It wasn't the biggest lie ever but Gerard seemed like the type of person to hate lying, he even felt anxious about lying to his Mom about coming here. The last sentence he said to me repeated in my head as he moulded himself to me, the creases in his shirt fit perfectly with mine and I sank into his torso. Gerard was comfortable. His hands tangled my hair and he sighed happily. It felt weird whatever this was. As much as I hated to admit it, I liked it. I liked the way his nervous breathing crept round the grooves of my ear and the was his nose dug into my neck. I liked the way he hugged me, It was a desperate hug. I had only known Gerard for a few hours and only recently had I got to know him more at lunch, he was cool guy and there was a feeling about him that made my head light, he was a kid with issues though. You could tell just by the way he walked or looked. Or maybe I just knew because I had problems myself.
Then I queried for a second, surely hugging was maybe a little too intimate at this point of a "Friendship"
But I didn't care.
"Sorry.." Gerard slurred as he pulled away and clutched his hands to his chest.
"For what?" I inquired, I knew what he was sorry for but I wanted to know more.
"Hugging you..I mean we've only just met and you probably hate my guts right now, I don't blame you I do its just your so generous and nice and I'm not good with this whole people thing but I like talking to you, Frank" His voice got quieter and pulled his knees to his chin. His sorrowful eyes looked away from my face and he flushed a blotchy pink.
I felt the need to protect him for some reason, as if his mind was attacking him and I had to save him from himself.
''Hey..It’s okay Gerard," I reached out "We're friends, I really like you, a-and I want to help. What’s wrong? I don't hate you. Why do you hate yourself?" I really sucked at this comfort thing.
I shuffled up closer to him and slid my arm round him, it was sort of awkward because I was so small but a slight smile crept on his faint lips. I noticed he was trembling and his breathing was sharp and rushed.
After what seemed a long five minutes he finally opened up in a rushed breath.
"Frank, I want to die. I'm useless, a waste of space, I'm stupid and ugly and fat and a total mess even my mind says so, it tells me every day, I can't have friends, not that I've ever had any because I'm so worthless. I want to be your friend so very much but I can't, my mind won't let me i-it takes over. Telling me things and taunting me a-an-'' He teared up throughout the rant and dragged his hands through his hair, twisting and pulling at it.
Gerard was breaking himself and it made me feel sick, , I had to do something though, so I pulled him in for another hug and whispered in his ear.
"Gerard. I want you to try and promise me something. Please try not to believe your mind's taunts, you're a really great guy and my first friend in a long time too. If you can't do that then I'll just have to remind you that you aren't worthless at all, and I'll just have to make your mind let me be your friend''
What the fuck was I saying, I sounded like a total idiot. Reminder that I suck at comforting people.
Gerard wiped his eyes with his grubby jacket sleeve and with a dark chuckle that scared me a little he said,
"Good luck with that Frank, I do hope you succeed, very much.'' I heard no promise.
''So..What shall we do?'' I asked trying to take his mind off the daunting subject.
"I'd like to hear you play.." He pointed at my guitar, Pansy.
I frowned, apart from Dad, no one had ever heard me play. Gerard looked eager and curious to listen. He was a big lover of music and had informed me he played the piano. I didn't want to disappoint. I walked over to Pansy and slung her over my shoulder my fingers found their way to each chord and riff without me even thinking. My Dad and my Grandfather had taught me everything since the age of 9; I imagined no other future than being a musician. The passion, creativity and the angst one person could create with lyrics and noise fantasized me still to this very day. Music was everything I craved for.
I played for I don't know how long I just started to wing it with different sounds and melodies and just hoped Gerard liked it.
When I had finished, Gerard's face was a few looks, Impressed was certainly one of thwm. I felt a little surge of smugness overcome me.
"Frank..You're incredible" A real smile spread across his face and It brought me a sense of accomplishment.
I looked down at my feet, embarrassed, and giggled.
"Thanks Gerard, you do realize now though?" Smirking I teased him
"Realize what?" He tilted his head slightly and a single black lock of hair drifted over his eye.
"You have to play for me one day"
A nervous smile flashed over and he replied, "Sure, Frank."
And with that we dove into a deep conversation about music again. For another two hours we sat in my room facing each other and observing one another. Into the conversation I noticed Gerard had a more varied taste than me, I didn't mind, I thought he was very passionate about different piano composers with foreign names I had never dreamed about attempting to pronounce. I felt so stupid talking about the same punk bands over again but he seemed to still take interest and agreed with me about the fact the perfect band would be Morrisey in Misfits.
Gerard also promised that he would show me his art. He went on so much about it and I was deeply intrigued, I wasn't any good with a paintbrush or pencils, but the way Gerard talked about art made it seem that it was possible and very easy, he also convinced me that music was an art form and for a while he held a good strong conversation. I had never heard him talk so much in the short time I had known him and even then I knew he wasn't a big talker.
It grew to 4pm and Gerard had to go home, I felt saddened and I was ambitious to talk to him more, I had missed conversation with someone a similar age so much. Gerard looked like he wanted to stay longer but the thought of worrying his mum made him nervous again.
"Gerard I'll see you tomorrow at school, we have Math class first. You can help me with algebra." I winked; The guy was a genius with numbers and whatnot. I copied his answers as he tried to help and explain the x and y thingys.
"Yeah, I know. I'll bring a sketchbook for you to look at if you want." His eyes avoided mine, as if he instantly regretted the offer.
"You don't have too" I protested, trying to help him with his regret.
"But I want to."
"Okay"
With a quick smile and a random pat on my greasy hair, he chuckled his dark chuckle.
"See you tomorrow Frank."
"See you, Gerard" I loved saying his name, it left a lingering feeling as the R repeated itself making me open my mouth twice to complete his name.
As soon as Gerard left my whole house returned to the usual silence that I was used to and disliked very much. My mum was only ever home late nights so I never saw her apart from occasional holidays such as Thanksgiving, Christmas and a few others. I thought about inviting Gerard over again sometime, the company sure made living here less lonely and bleak, I never really used more than three rooms in the house; my room, the kitchen and the bathroom. The living room was usually empty there was really no use to having it.
That night I thought how I would help Gerard, I wanted him to feel happy, I wanted him to see himself as I did. I wanted him to be safe and not let his mind take over for him, and let him be himself; he was good at that around me on his own. I wanted to fix him. That's what friends did right?
I thought long and hard into the night and fell asleep in my thoughts.
